NPF Avatars 6, Chapter (6?)7: Didn't your momma tell you not to fight?

[Arhra]

Arhra I, pleased to find she felt much less ditzy, perky and on fire, rose to a kneeling position from where she had fallen. The ground was no longer on fire. How nice! She was back to wearing only shadows, seeing she was still enormous and lacking in clothes that came in her size. Less nice!

She then spotted Pyros8 running for her at top speed. Her expression turned downright sly.

"Nyahahaha! So you have fallen for my abundant charms after all?" she said, laughing like a noblewoman or a crazed lunatic. Towering over him even kneeling, she leaned forwards and reached out, intending to scoop him into her embrace, quite possibly crushing him against her gigantic chest.

"Oh no you don't, you dirty old man!" Arhra V shouted, jetting after Pyros8, scythe of glowing cuttingness at the ready.

It seemed he was stuck between an Arhra and another Arhra.

[Intern Nin]

Oninzuka took a deep inhale from his cigarette, looked over at the dragon in the air and then to the one on the ground.

Also, the existence of a reptilian monster that eats flames and thrives in lava is comepletely impossible. But it's not like I haven't already seen a few impossible things happen today. Plus, these are dragons. They must be guarding something cool, like a horde of treasure or maybe a really hot damsel in distress. Although I got to wonder, why am I fighting twin serpents? Is that supposed to mean something?

The ex-Onin-Baku-Gumi member didn't get a chance to continue this line of thought because the ground dragon (who shall hence forth be known as Dewey) rushed forward to bite his head off. Oninzuka dodged this by leaping up but then was hit the creature's tail which had snuck up from behind. Oninzuka was knocked over to the other side of the island. He laid the ground for a moment and spotted something sticking out of the molten rock. It was large dome that seem to contain... something.

"Ooh, something shiney! I'm drawn to it like a child!"

He forgot about the dragons, got to his feet, leapt over to the dome, and began to beat his fists against the glass. Of course, the dragons hadn't forgotten about him as Dewey once again knocked him up into the air with his tail and the flying one (Who I'm going to call Holland and there's nothing you can do to stop me!) flew straight towards the mid-air target. Oninzuka punched the dragon in the face as it charged him, causing the Holland to dip and Oninzuka to land on the wyrm's neck. Oninzuka took off his fire-retardant neck-tie, wrapped it around Holland's snout, and used it as reigns to control which way the dragon flew. He made Holland circle around the island and that was when Oninzuka spotted the hammer resting on the pedestal in the center of the island.

"Hey, I could use that!"

He brought Holland in low and then jumped off when he was near the center, sending Holland to crash into Dewey and sending both of them to fall into the lava pit. Oninzuka grabbed the hammer and ran back towards the dome, only to be stopped by the length of chain connected to the hammer and the pedestal.

"Well, it doesn't take a genius to figure out how to solve this problem."

He took the hammer and began using it to break up the ground around the pedestal. This was hard, thirsty work so Oninzuka took a break half-way through to drink some hot coffee. Suddenly, the whole volcanoe began to shake and then the dragons bursted out of the lava pit at different ends of the island. At the same time, this entrance made Oninzuka spill his coffee onto his lap, changing him back to Nin.

"YEEEEEOOOOOWWWCH! Why is it always my lap?! Huh? I must have changed again. Where am I now?"

Nin looked around and found himself on an island in a lava pit surrounded by two dragons.

"Oh great, Dragons. AGAIN. I don't suppose you guys would believe me if I told you I was the son of the king of the dragon palace?"

The dragons proved to not be as stupid as they looked and didn't believe his lie for a second. They charged him and Nin reacted with ninja speed. He threw his fedora glaive at Holland and struck Dewey with a powerful strike from his battery. Dewey was knocked out by the shock of the power cosmic and slipped back into the lava pit. Holland, however, was not hurt at all by the bladed hat but stopped his charge after seeing what happened to his brother. He kepted his distance and started breathing fire at Nin. After grabbing his hat, Nin started running around the island in order to avoid the flame attacks.

"I'm gonna be turtle flambe if I don't think of something quick!"

Nin reached into his pockets and pulled out a remote control, one labeled property of Watchu.

This is that remote that controls the universe. Last time a pressed a button, Theodore Roosevelt appeared. Maybe I can use this to win the battle. Then again, there's always the chance that I might make things worse. I could accidently summon William Howard Taft and then I'd really be screwed.

While Nin mulled over the possiblity of using the remote, Holland took this opportunity to do firey a dive-bomb on Nin. Nin freaked out, pressed a button and threw the remote into the air. Suddenly, a swimming pool's worth of water materialized over Nin and Holland the dragon. They were both completely drenched by the downpour, causing Nin to change back to Oninzuka and Holland to be severly damaged by the water-based attack. Holland fell to the ground and dragged himself into the lake of fire. Oninzuka looked around, confused as to how he suddenly got so wet, when the universal remote dropped at his feet. He picked it up and looked at it.

"Hmm, a remote? Oh, the hammer! I almost forgot!"

Oninzuka stashed the remote into his pocket and ran back to the pedestal. He finished breaking the ground around it just as the volcanoe started shaking again. The dragons Holland and Dewey bursted forth from the lava a second time, this time looking like more fearsome and firey. Dewey rushed over and wrapped his tail around Onzuka's legs to keep him from moving. Holland dove towards the under-paid teacher, full of fire and fury.

"Get out of my face!"

Oninzuka used the hammer to crush earthbound serpent's tail, making it loosen its grip. He got out of Dewey's coils and then started swinging the pedestal itself around. He smashed the block of marble into Holland head, knocking him unconscious and driving his head into the ground. Oninzuka continued to swing the pedestal around while he ran up to dome. He then brought the pedestal down onto the dome. The pedestal shattered into pieces but the dome itself didn't even have scratch on it. Oninzuka stared at the dome in disbelief. He then started beating it with the hammer but the dome just wouldn't break.

"Argh, you gotta be kidding me!"

Dewey decided to remind Oninzuka of his presence by coming up behind him and blowing as much fire as he could muster at him. Unfortunately for Dewey, Oninzuka had taken to wearing a fire-retardant suit to school ever since his clothes had been spontanously set on fire on the first day of the school year.

"Oh, shut it!"

Oninzuka punched Dewey causing the dragon's head to twist around. Oninzuka grabbed the snake-like dragon and brought him into a familiar hold.

"There's No Getting Out Of This One Suplex!"

He brought the dragon head down onto the dome and it hit with enough force to cause the whole volcanoe to shake.

[Wizardcat]

I can't escape this hell

The reason no one had interacted with Nekomata so far was the one Steel shadow had recited; no one knew where the demon was. When the ninja had thrown the ofudas at him, he had analyzed the threat in an instant and knew that the objects could not be allowed contact. A moment later, he disappeared in a flash of movement, unseen by any of the others in the room. It had probably 'caused some confusion, but the monster was still in the room, amused.

So many times I've tried

Claws are a useful thing to have. For example, they let you attach yourself to surfaces yielding enough to allow them to pierce them. In this case, the ceiling proved sufficient in this matter. Standing completely upside down and rooted to the ceiling by means of the back paws' claw, the black beast watched the ninjas and Daimo in their contests of combat prowess, unnoticed. Unfortunately for them, that wasn't all that the great feline doing a great distance above them.

But I'm still caged inside

A buildup of energy was swirling around Nekomata. Telekinetic energy collected around the left paw, while pyrokinetic gathered around the right paw. Something was bothering him; it was as if something was attempting to fight him. The demon forced it away. It wasn't important, it thought. All that mattered was to inflict fear, to inflict pain, to cover the world in fire. Anyone that stood in its way would burn.

Somebody get me through this nightmare

The presence returned shortly later, distracting the beast again from both the fight happening below and the energy buildup. Ignoring it with some difficulty, he realized that the scuffle between one of the ninjas and the other fighter was starting to get more lethal... They had no right to be doing that. The deaths that were to follow were to be his alone to perform. Hefting the two remaining blades that the tails held, they flew through the air directly between Daimo and his target.

I can't control myself

Now... This was it. First things first, however. Raising his left paw towards the ground below, the telekinetic energy surged. All of the doors shut themselves and sealed themselves with a strong force. All available windows and openings around the room did the same. It seems like no one was going to able to leave the party. Then, flames billowed out across the dojo floor. They spread rapidly, surrounding the four fighting life forms. It seemed like their odds of survival were going up in smoke. The building certainly was.

If there was ever a time to attack the black beast, now would be it, even if they didn't know it. With both pyrokinetic and telekinetic powers engaged, weapons gone, his only real way to defend himself would be to engage in paw-to-hand combat. They had better act quickly, however, as the smoke and flames were getting thicker and thicker...

[Loyal]

Loyal looked pleased with himself as a pair of datacards materialized from a device near him. Both of them were touchscreen-based text logs. They read off, respectively,

So You Think You Have A Death Wish?
A User's Manual to Operation of Deathwish-Class Subspace Fortresses.
~~By Thadius~~

and

Death, The Multiverse, and How To Make It Your Bitch
A Guide For Starter Assassin Lords.
~~By Thadius~~

Thumbing through the title pages of the first, he found someplace comfortable to sit and started reading through its codices. He'd still have plenty of time before the other forumites were finished with their fighting, and so it would behoove him to figure out just how to make things work here.

Things were going to change around here, of that Loyal could be certain. He mused to himself, Thadius had the drive, but tended to think too small... too simple. Too impersonal. If there was one thing Loyal believed in it was making a lasting impression... for better or worse...

The world he knew and lived in deserved a better class of bastard, and now Loyal had the means to give it to them.

"Alan!" he said loudly, spirits much brighter, "See to it that our guest has the lodgings he needs. I'm going to be rather busy here."

"Of course."

[PyrosNine]

Zodick was dead, and Newb's knivehands were lifted by the Girl in Victory.

"Newb beat Zodick! Now, let's see if our other two fights can be finished shortly!"

She pointed at Garud, who noticed there were glowing words above his head.

Mode: Combat.

He was still in the battle. Looking over, the FMA fangirl was in battle, just not with him...This meant that the duel would not be over...until one of them wasn't standing.

Jormyguard kept thrashing about, attempting to get these crazy people off them.

"Oh, why! Why does this hurt so? And why do I feel a dead hedgehog near my tail? Who is stabbing me with Alchemy?"

He rolled over, and as he did so his tail leapt over Newb and the Girl, and flew through the air, looking as though it would land upon the injured Flare.

Just as this was happening though, Chill showed up with the bottle of water.

"See? Here! I knew I had some!"

* * *

Pyros8, however serious he may be, was a bit halted by Arhra I's outreaching arms, turning quickly to see the other Arhra coming after him, He jumped back instinctively, only to find himself crashing into something soft...

Looking up, he saw Arhra, and looking ahead, he saw Arhra V. Try as he might, there was no escape!

* * *

Oninzuka quite correctly guessed the many events he had to do, including the bashing a dragon on the dome, which this GM was very glad to happen due to this pit-stop being possibly too long.

The dome shattered, revealing the ultimate anti-air gun....The Anti-Air gun.

'Dewey' was down for the count, leaving only 'Holland' still fluttering around.

With the AA gun locked and loaded, Holland's remaining days were numbered in seconds!

* * *

Nekomata's demon invasion of the house did not go unnoticed.

"Ah! THere is a demon loose in the house! Ninpo! Art of Seeing Unseen!" Sheena-Alike saw with unseeing eyes, making Nekomata quite visible, as well as the threads of energy he used to seal the doors and light the room on fire.

"It seems I shall have to get serious, and exorcise him from this place!"

The other nin, grabbed her by the shoulder. "But you are not a priestess! You buy your ofuda's from priestesses, true, but the art of exorcism is not taught to formerly male ninjas!"

"But don't you see? Being female so far has granted us some sort of narrative powers beyond our normal spread! Perhaps looking like something sometimes is actually close enough to being something, in this crazy world we live in!"

"What you speak is madness!"

"And alot of people would think I'd say Sparta right now! And this is why this will work!"

With a wave of her arms, The Sheena-alike wore priestessy robes, and held a prayer wand.

She began to chant, a chant of devout purity, that comes from knowing a few priestesses (and killing a few) who spouted such chaste words.

The floor around her glowed.

The Sakura-Alike was taken aback!

"Wow! If this really works, I'm going to start dressing like a rich hotel heiress, and never have to work a day of my life!" She remarked.

The Sheena-priestess-alike raised her hands.

"Oh Kami-sama! I call upon you with an urgent plea! Please purge this place of wickedness and demons, with your holy light!"

A golden light shone from above, revealing a golden figure, who flooded the room with a light that struck fear into the hearts of the wicked....

PyrosNine.

"WHAT?" The two Kunoichi gaped.

"Yeah. What? As in, what do you want? I'm a busy Fire God, I'll have you know."

"Seriously? He came? Him!?"

"Should we attack him? We hate him just as much..."

"No! He is a formidable opponent, and his powers may just be what we need to win this battle! We can get revenge on that angle later!"

"So what do you want? Cure Vampyrism, Cure Zombification, True Undead Revival, Fire Blessing, Ward from Fire? Come on, I don't have all day here!"

"Um, great, Fire Kami sama, we want this place cleansed of wickedness and depravity!"

"Then put on some clothes, girl! Oh wait, I sense demons! And evil alter egos! I see what you mean...VERY WELL THEN! DEUS EX NINJA!"

With a wave of his hand, a holy light shot into the ground, resulting in a struggle between Nekomata's powers and Pyros's.

Furthermore, Daimo found his influence growing weaker...

Suzu-alike got back up. having been saved at the last moment by Nekomata.

"Okay, Okay! I repent! I have been acting as leader solely to make up for my superiority complex over becoming a small ninja girl, and the smallest of my three compatriots! (ignoring being a mini-ninja in the comics!) I am no longer the fierce ninja I used to be, though I try! I enjoy cute things now! My eyes make weird ^ ^ shapes! I crave candy! Oh, oh! Someone help me, help me in my poor state!" She cried, the effects of Pyros's holy light affecting her too.

While many would be impressed by this display of holy power, Sheena-alike wasn't.

"Is he just blowing holy water steam into this room?"

(seriously, let's just wrap this one up, kthnxbai? The next world will be awkward enough anyway!)
* * *

Meanwhile, in conclusion, Mauve was fupped.

She'd shot a vial of virus into a already virally infected monster, increasing the dosage of the monster exponentially.

With that, The Tyrant President began to mutate...no. Evolve!

It's body consolidated, it lost a head, and soon instead of a massive deadly bulk of death, it was a slim, lithe figure of even deadlierness!

Mauve was quaking in her boots!

The New Tyrant spoke, Tyrant 0092, spoke. "My fellow Americans! With this, I have reached the next level of human evolution! I am above the grain, above the crops, above the very sky that these farm related analogies grow under! I am...THE OMEGA! But all this pales in comparison to my greatest achievement: I AM THE FIRST FEMALE PRESIDENT!"

There was some logical explanation for this result, caused by the combination of the T and the G virus, but this went over everyone involved's head due to the sheer amount of technobabble required.

Mauve's mind was blown by the implications! There was some happiness in knowing she'd caused a major world event, and would even go down in history for it (maybe, possibly, at least a Wikipedia page) but this also meant she was up against a much faster opponent, if going by standard cliche's on enemies and genders. The zombie's slow lurching had been her only saving grace!

Just when things looked their bleakest, a bright light shone through a window, and from that window (that was previously indestructible), Chris Redfield burst through, rolling to the floor.

Before President Vila Tyrant could react, Chris got up close and pulled his arm back: "REDFIELD PUNCH!"

The reformed President was launched into the wall from the sheer force of the attack, lying stunned against the wall.

Chris grabbed one of the unbreakable chairs, and proceeded to beat the President more dead with it, until he finally threw the chair away so he could just kill the zombie president female with his bare hands.

Following that, he took out a cigarette from his pocket, lit it, then shoved the hot butt of the cigarette into Vila's eye, because Winners Don't smoke!

Following that, he handed Mauve the key to door to leave the place, but not before whistling for his ride, which was a magnificent sled that burst through the wall, being pulled by Dante, Frank West, and that guy from Lost Planet!

The computer screen lit up again.

L!0n<3: Dud3, n0+ c001! i'm l!k3 a s3cr3t ag3nt for the pr3s! Juu can't go beating him/her!

With a single glare from his eyes (before he put on his shades), the Computer exploded, and with a whip , he mushed his sleight through the other wall and flew up into the sky.

The sheer weirdness of these last few moments made most people doubt their sanity.

If you, or someone you know has been severely mentally touched by this incident, call with your local phone!

[mauve]

"I WIN BY FREAK ACCIDENT DEFAULT!!" yelled Mauve. "WHOOOOO!!!"

She kicked the dead zombie (is that redundant?) simply so she could deal the final blow, and then gave a dramatic pose for the cameras that weren't there.

"ALL RIGHT! I win! Victory belongs to Mauve!! Okay now to get out of here cuz this place is creepy." She hopped out of the broken window.

[GARUD]

"Oh fuck this."

*Garud generated two long chains with blades on the ends of them. He concentrated, generating armor out of the shadow around the area. Usually he would have wanted more flexibility, but in this case, he would have needed more protection.*

"Okay, lets get this over with."

*Garud hurled a long chain over towards R-FMA-F, and hooked her. The demon slayer yanked her in his direction, and she came crashing down.*

"We aren't done here."

*Garud summoned up darkness once more, and shot it out at his opposition.*

"Eat 'Beam of Decay' tm!"

[Steel Shadow]

"Steel, VS. The Great Wizzard!"

“You can't mean-” And then the stage shifted. “Or you do. You totally do. Hmmm.”

Steel hesitated. Okay, this shouldn't be to bad. Neither of the pair was really a serious threat in a fight, especially 'The Great Wizzard'. The whole thing should be fairly quick and easy. So why did he get the feeling he was forgetting something? Something really important. With lots of little legs.

There was a wooden creak behind him.

The afore mentioned 'sausage' in a bun merchant, who had been the origination of the above noise when he stepped on a loose board in a wooden pathway, was surprised to see the Orange wearing man jump twenty feet into the air in a flash and remain up there, sword drawn and looking around desperately, apparently muttering something like “Wereisitwereisitwereisit” etc.

Ah, well, obviously a wizard of some sort then. Who knew how those people thought. This guy was even relatitively normal by their standards. Although he did seem to be missing his hat. Still, that was no reason to prevent a sale.

“Come on guv'na! This is genuine sausage-inna-bun, made with pure pig parts and other assorted animal bits! 'S good variety, 'innit! Tell you wot, I'm cutting me own throat here, I'll let you have it for the reasonable price of just 5 Ankh Dollars! And I see your missing you're hat there sa'h, and it just so happens that by luck I happen to have a just recently imported stock of genuin' Wizarding hats, right from the enchanted villages of deepest Uberwald...”

Steel wasn't listening, to busy looking through the crowds for the demon box on legs. This struck the vendor as quite rude.

“Look guv'na, are you going to buy something or what? I don't got all day y'know.”1

Steel glanced over, confused. “What?”

The merchant sniffed, offended. “Well there's no need 'ta be like that sir! Here I am, a humble purveyor of high-quantity merchandise, just out to make an honest living, and all I get is grief from people's like you! I tell yah, it's all going right down to the dungeon dimensions it is. I might as well go throw myself onto the Ankh.”

“Eh? No no no, don't be like that, I didn't mean...” Steel babbled desperately, his kindish (Aka: Sucker) nature kicking in.

There was a glint in the vendor's eye “So you'll buy summit then?”

And so Steel found himself five minuets later the proud owner of five Sausage-inna-buns, a slightly beaten top hat, and a considerably lighter wallet 2. The merchant had long disappeared. He let out a small, frustrated sigh and looked back over to the 'Great Wizzard'.

“Look, could you just run away already before anything more ridiculous happens?”


1: This is a lie. The Ankh-Morpork merchant is famed for it's ability to follow a potential customer for months without pause to make a sale. This has been known to make sleeping arrangements very uncomfortable.

2: NPF Express. Accepted anywhere.

[Arhra]

Pyros8 had glanced back to chck how close Arhra V and her scythe were and collided with Arhra I's torso. Her arms swung around him like a trap, hugging the replica fire god tightly to herself.

"Feel the crushing power of my affection!" the enlarged chaos being cackled, fully intending to hug him until he'd lost all will to fight.

She'd add energy drain to the mix if he was getting too fiesty.

Arhra V braked, watching the spectacle. She considered joining in and, for a moment, she was profoundly tempted. But no, she decided, it would be much too awkward given her other self's gigantism. She settled for keeping a watch, ready to go after Pyros8 if he got free. To cheer herself up, she started a diagnostic to properly inventory the devices she'd managed to analyse in the previous universe.

Mmmm, technology.

[Bailey]

Newb retracted his claws, causing the knives which had created them to reappear in his hands. He promptly put these away. "Okay, as far as I can tell, I have two options. Well, three, but one of them is ridiculous. I can hang around waiting for these chuckle-heads to finish, or I could use my D-Hopper to go back to the stands and eat waffles. Well, I could take option three, abduct everyone else's opponents and go on a road trip, but, as said before, that would be ridiculous. Hey Celes, which one do you think I should go with? Also, incidentally, if Ranma Saotome and Edward Elric got in a fight, who would win? Winry, Akane, a random ice cream vendor, or the fans?"

With that, Newb took the previously unmentioned option four, and went to go bug other people's opponents.