Magical Landry Sign-Up Part Deux - The Landrying!

[Teal Mage]

Right reviews for the round are ready. Sorry for the wait. Will try to be on the pad for a bit after this - if not tonight, then tomorrow.

Inbred, as it stands, your character does not work. For a simple reason that, admittedly, somehow did not get into the Primer.

Demons have blood.

Your demon has an allergy to blood.

This might sound like something that can be fixed relatively easily with a modified racial weakness, but it actually brings me to the crux of the matter. Your character's race? I can't make heads or tails of it. "Fire Demon" is a generic term - you need to be more specific. What are you after?

Additionally, if your character really is blatantly demonic in his true form - as your profile implies - that is how he appears naturally. Demons don't appear human by birth, that requires a spell on their part. Your backstory seems to assume he's human under normal circumstances - as a 'generic' fire demon, that's not possible. If you want to appear human naturally, make him a Half-Demon.

I also want to point out a few problems with your backstory in general. More specific issues can be dealt with later, if you're still interested.

1) There's Meta-Gaming on the parts of a bunch of your NPCs. Catherine and James Walker, at least - both of them 'know' Alex is a Fire Demon and, as the story stands, is healed by fire and gasoline respectively. Fact is, they had no in-character reason to know that stuff.

2) A Fire Demon with Alex's racial weaknesses would not survive among humans. His first bathtime would kill him. He'd have to be moved to a special facility. We'll be looking at his racial weakness immediately, but I feel like I need to stress this point.

3) Being a demon does not give you an inherent advantage. They are not tougher than humans, and magic like 'Healed by Fire/Gasoline' do not function as racial benefits. Passive abilities like this don't exist in Landry (weaknesses do!). Magic also doesn't work overtly (i.e: does not set you on fire) instinctively. This requires training - which, as it happens, is hard for children raised as humans.

4) Guns are much less lethal in this setting. I say that right in the first paragraph of the Primer. Make sure you've read it.

5) The Guilds are competent. You're underestimating that competency.

Oh, and while I have your attention!

Originally Posted by Inbred Chocobo

He found this clubs assigned to him after the first time he was assigned them he threw the list back in the Professor's face

This would not happen. Alex would get to pick his clubs like everyone else.

* * *

Originally Posted by Relm Zephyrous

Name: Alice Healy (Irish)
Race: Ghost
Gender: Female (or none, depending how you’re calling it)
Aura: You can try to guess at your Aura color - but its probably best to leave this section to me. Its the sum of all your spell hues. (Not bothering to guess, you tell me when appropriate)
Age: 19 [~87] First in appearance, then in brackets, actual age.

Quick note on format. Relm, you don't need to include my instructions in your bio. Aura can be left blank, Age only needs the numbers.

That aside Relm, this is a mess. I'm going to skip straight to the problem, the backstory doesn't work - not at all.

Originally Posted by Relm Zephyrous

The life of Alice can be summarized as a normal girl growing up in Ireland, or at least it was normal until about age twelve. Alice had simple hobbies such as daydreaming, dancing, and dealing with people. These hobbies were some of the only things that Alice held onto for a sense of normalcy when the girl began to receive slow glimpses past the masquerade. This was both a wild and terrifying ride for Alice that dominated much of her teenage years and caused her to do much traveling. These travels ended several years later with her death in 1944 Nazi Germany.

But the story that Alice held after death was far more interesting than that which she had in life. Not actually able to pass on for want of figuring out all of this magical business, she was quickly captured as a useful powering device for research into AI. In particular she was used for the peaceful research done by Norbert Wiener in cybernetics, and until the time of his death in 1964 his refusal to allow political interference.

I don't see why you linked her death to the Nazis. That detail's excessive and in poor taste, bluntly. In fact, this backstory could begin without talking about her death at all, since the first paragraph is irrelevant.

No, the issue is how she survived this long. See, as a girl without magical training, when Alice died, she would not be able to move. Her reason for sticking around is incredibly flimsy too. Unless her curiousity was burning close to an obsession (which, again, makes little sense for a normal girl and is definitely not what she is being portrayed as in the bio) it wouldn't hold her here. Even if it did! Psychopomps would not be sympathetic to it. She'd get passed on.

Or, if she disgusted the Death Guide too much, she'd be left to rot until a Wizard captured her. They wouldn't use her for peaceful scientific research. Her soul would be imprisioned in an object an used for power, if she was lucky. If she wasn't, she'd be destroyed. This result would be the same even if she worked out how to move (an unlikelihood bordering on the impossible) - and is, in fact, more likely if she's going around poking the Masquerade.

It doesn't work. You might want to think of a new character completely. Especially because Sao is a Death Guide herself post-timeskip - a ghost may not be the best call, since she takes her job seriously.

* * *

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Name: Naomi Disponette
Race: Human
Gender: Female
Aura: (Hoping for Grey, though I'll default on Black if I have to)
Age: 18
Appearance: She stands at 6 feet tall with a fit, slim build. Her hair is long, flowing and blonde, and her eyes are blue. She appears to have German and Welsch heritage in her facial shaping. Her standard fashion is usually tank-tops with elaborate fractal patterns, grey or navy-blue khakis and black tennis shoes. She is always wearing her six rings of different colors with copper circuits etched into them in different patterns.

While this is an improvement over the original Aldurin, it still has the same problem. This is a White, not a Grey. Rejected.

That said, I'm just gonna go ahead and say no Greys will be accepted at character generation. Whites will also not be accepted.

And don't try to use Quantum Physics as an explanation for Blacks. I don't like it and it won't work.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Samurai Club (requested club that focuses on Asian sword-technique, unlike fencing)

Kendo Club now exists.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Theresa:
A weak Electricity Spirit that Naomi unkowingly bound to her computer's hard drive during her junior year in high school. Theresa claims to be a self-aware AI program to try and avoid the consequences of making Neoma aware of magic, and has gotten used to being bound to the digital world. She often assists Naomi in various ways, and agrees with Naomi's idiotic Physics theories to keep Naomi blissfully ignorant of magic. She gladly welcomes the companionship of Ayumi and Violette, due to the fact that they don't demand validation on horrible physics theories.

For future reference, this sort of relationship will very likely cost a spell-slot. It's also not something I'm likely to give out.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Violette Donota:
Naomi's other roommate. Violette is a 21-year old half-Succubus from Los Angelos, who came to Amaranth to try to learn to control her powers and suppress the "side effects" of her demon side, mainly her sexual drive. She takes interest in the artistic and graceful things in life. She is confused by Naomi's claim to be conciously using magic due to her aura color, and is a close friend of Naomi's since she doesn't think of Violette as a slut. Half the time Violette is in another dorm in order to satisfy her "desires", much to her shame. (Would like to see her in the Tabletop Club with Naomi if possible)

Tone her down and I might let her in, but she's pretty much fanservice/lesbian romance fodder right now. I don't like her.

* * *

Red Black Mage, alright, bad news. I did some research yesterday on Enlil. It turns out that he really isn’t an appropriate patron deity for Nasir’s tribe – and neither is the Sumerian pantheon. The pantheon may, originally, have been of Arabian origin – but they were adopted by a civilization famous for fortress cities, stonework, carvings and irrigation systems. If they were nomadic gods originally, they have been twisted and warped beyond recognition. They are the gods of cities now. A tribe which is seeking to return to the 'true' Arabian lifestyle would not adopt them as patrons. They’re traitors to that lifestyle. Therefore, Nasir being a descent of Enlil doesn't work in the current background.

Fortunately, I have found a little information on the pre-Islamic gods of Arabia. According to my research, there were at least 360 gods before the rise of Islam, representing both celestial bodies and elemental forces of nature in the Arab pantheon. Tribes likely had their own patron diety as well, among their number. Most of these gods have been lost, though. But! That actually works in our favor. There's considerable writer's liscense here in designing deities for Nasir's tribe. I will, however, be taking a larger role in designing this background (I have done the research for this, after all) to ensure it is appropriate. For this reason, the patron deity of Nasir's tribe will be replaced with this homebrewed one. It may not be the most creative deity, but it's appropriate.

Veehr Jawab: Roughly translated as the Wanderer, Veehr Jawab is a deity of Chaos, associated with fire, wind, spirit, travel and movement. The Wanderer is a god of the desert and patron of Nasir's tribe, who calls all to abandon the corrupt and weak lifestyle of the city dwellers, and return to the old and pure nomadic ways. The Wanderer has no temple, and only one priest - the one who bears their brand. Despising kings, the Wanderer's Brand passes without regard for blood to the most worthy - age and gender are irrelevant. It is said that the Wanderer walks through time and witnesses the deeds we will do, when selecting the mortal who shall bear the Brand as its voice. If the bearer of the Brand seeks to abuse its power, the Brand shall pass from them - and they will be cast out; if the Wanderer does not slay them personally. The Wanderer appears as a masked and veiled figure, clad in a cloak of shifting desert hues. As a god of Chaos, the gender, height, clothes, skin tone and build of the Wanderer shifts without warning - it is rarely the same twice. Only its eyes are predictable - gold in the day, silver at night.

Obviously, this means that Nasir's character would need to be reconfigured pretty heavily. He does not, strictly speaking, need to bear the Wanderer's Brand in the game, but it would be an option. The tribe also worships the other (surviving) gods of the Arab Pantheon. Each family, in fact, bears the blessing of one of these gods (i.e.: They're all God-Blooded/Half-Demon). I won't dictate these other gods, so there's a lot of leeway for you to submit a deity of your own for Nasir to be blessed by, if you'd prefer that route. As a note, the tribe is ruled by a council of priests, not by a single person. The Wanderer's Priest takes power only in extreme circumstances. Traditional arab society had a big problem with kings.

Any of that appeal to you?

* * *

Originally Posted by Geminex

Appearance: About 6'1, Dan looks his age and then some. Despite the carefree grin he usually sports, his face seems much harder, more drawn than it should. He's even spotted the occasional gray hair in the mirror, though he'll probably die before he admits it. Prominent features and strange, pale-blue eyes that work very well in drawing an observer's gaze, distractig people from his long, slender fingers. Normally goes around very well-dressed, often wearing formalwear, even throwing on a full stage magicians' outfit, complete with tophat and a cape lined with red velvet when he really wants to draw attention.

Please make this appearance more concise Gem. It isn't something I'll reject your bio over, but it'll make everyone's job easier when they want to remember what Dan looks like. Oh, and could you make him prettier? Amaranth actually has a policy about that. Didn't think it was important, so I didn't mention it in the Primer, sorry.

Your bio's actually pretty okay, from what I can see. The issues in here are relatively small and more related to his powers than the bio itself. Firstly, if things go missing around him, he'd start to get a reputation where he lived. I suspect his room would have been searched much sooner than it was. Not a big change, but it means he would have been thrown out sooner than he was (this is negotiable, I suppose). Single largest problem is the ending. If a Black ends up in Juvie, they'll serve their sentence. Amaranth is more of a reform school for the supernatural, not the instinctive - even if it wasn't his fault, at best, he'd be Awakened and sent somewhere else for training. You'll have to change his reason for being here.

Originally Posted by Geminex

(I'd also like to propose an Eskrima club, because, as far as martial arts go, it'd be basically ideal for my character, and it's pretty cool on the whole! Though I can just have him join karate if this doesn't work)

It is cool. But, I would say join the Fencing Club (they teach styles other than the rapier) or Meditation Club. The former might be better, since Fencing in Amaranth emphasizes speed and Meditation is decidedly more spiritual. Its style emphasizes form and grace and works better with staves, polearms and dual weapons.

As for your NPCs, they're interesting and I like them. That said, I'm not sure if Damien Fog is appropriate as he stands, since someone like him would have an ability like Jack's aura reading. Fact is, Dan's not a victim of his powers, as some Blacks end up - no exceptional circumstances to merit Damien's attention. Should note that magical "talent" is not really a factor in this setting. It happens, but it's incredibly rare, and more of a curse than a gift.

Abilities now!

Originally Posted by Geminex

Legerdemain
Dan flicks his wrist, his fingers blur and time seems to slow as his hand moves with seemingly impossible speed to perform a feat of legerdemain, be it instantly picking a pocket, palming a card or manipulating dice.

Note: I'm not sure about this one. I don't want it to be just a speed surge, but it's too versatile to be a flash action. Also, not sure about the combat applications, not that it necessarily needs any.

You'll need to break this one down for each specific trick he does. I have a few ideas for some of these, but at this stage, I think it would be best to let you think about it and see what you come up with. Should note that, generally speaking, Motion-Speed boosting abilities won't be allowed, outside of Flash Actions - which are tricky for Blacks to get.

Originally Posted by Geminex

What's that behind your ear? A... Balisong?
Dan pulls his Balisong from behind an ear, from under a nose, or sometimes just out of thin air, with a flourish and a dazzling smile. What a trickster!

Bit too conscious to be a Black ability. I'd also say that his powers don't have a good reason to fixate on the Balisong - its just a random knife he stole way back when. Also, Black Summoning abilities work like Adeline's Find: Ability, generally speaking - otherwise, it gets damned suspicious fast.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Look out, behind you!
With a glance, a widening of the eyes, a shift in his stance, an intake of breath or a small gesture, Dan subtly conveys that there's something behind the mark that they really, really should be paying more attention to. Even an attentive mark might lose focus momentarily and be compelled to take their eyes off Dan for the merest second.

This seems alright. It basically augments an attempt Dan makes to make his target look away from him, I think. It'll be most effective if used against someone who's never seen him doing this before. If he uses this spell more than once on the same target, or a new target who's seen this trick before, it'll become less likely to work. Cost will be moderate. May fail outright in particularly confused situations - when people just aren't paying attention to him enough to be influenced.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Wait, what was that?
With a snap of his fingers, and a creepy grin, Dan enchants the mark to be juuust little... paranoid. They see flashes of color, disquieting silhouettes and sudden movements in the barest corner of their peripheral vision, all of which disappear as soon as they turn around to look. This can be quite a distraction in battle, and a major annoyance outside of it. Smart marks quickly realize what's going on and force themselves to ignore it, but that can lead them to ignore sights that they should really have payed attention to

Useful in battle, as a distraction to escape someone's notice, or if Dan really, really wants to annoy someone for the next five minutes.
Much more persistent than "Look out, behind you!" but not as compelling an effect.

Does too much and is a bit too overt. At best, this ability will augment Dan attempting to be creepy and, well, creep the target out for a while (might stick around for a long time, too). It would be an instinctive curse, essentially. Making someone Paranoid would be different - not sure if you could pull that effect out of an ability like this though. I think optical illusions are too much for this kind of ability.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Don't mind me!
Dan hunches his shoulders just a little, looks slightly downwards, gives a nonchalant whistle and just... blends into the background. He's totally visible, but he seems like much more of a bystander in the grand scheme of things, unimportant to the point where others might not even bother noticing him. The more attention is on him to begin with, the harder it is to blend into the background, and he's still perfectly capable of drawing attention to himself. Useful to escape a sticky situation, not get noticed in class or get close to a vigilant mark in combat.

So, when Dan doesn't want to be seen, this power activates and makes him harder to notice? Makes sense with his background, to be honest. Unfortunately, since the clothes he wears makes him stand out a lot, it probably won't work too well. If his outfits were less remarkable, this would probably be effective in crowded areas, or when he's trying to hide. Probably won't work well in battle, unless he's just trying to avoid becoming an enemy's target in the first place and the enemy isn't looking for him. Would be something like creating an Illusion of Insignificance around himself, I think.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Razzle-Dazzle!
With a flick of the wrist, a finger-sized firecracker, fuse already lit, appears in Dan's palm. The fuse burns for about three seconds, enough time to throw it at an enemy, slip it into a mark's pocket, or just toss it in the air before it goes off... spectacularly. Far from just exploding, the cracker lets out multiple bangs and flashes, spraying multicolored sparks and tounges of dazzling flame. The show lasts for about three seconds, and, while it's quite flashy, the sparks and flames are perfectly real, and perfectly painful!

Hm. I think this ability does too much (minor fire damage+bright lights). You'll need to pick one. More importantly, where does he get the Firecrackers? I don't think he has any income in Amaranth. He'd have to make these himself. Unless you have another idea? Oh, and he may need a lighter to use them.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Right Behind You.
Even the best trickster needs to put 'em up sometimes. If "put 'em up" means "Stab an unsuspecting enemy for debilitating damage." Dan can line up a single stab on an enemy who's distracted, unaware, asleep - anything that prevents them from seeing it coming. The knife sinks into them with a satisfying shlick, piercing a vital organ or three and inflicting much more damage than a simple blade should.

No, this one doesn't seem appropriate, and might be overpowered. Knife-fighting doesn't seem to be a big part of his character either.

A better choice would probably be something like an ability which makes the cuts he makes with a knife more painful than usual, or something that helps him to 'instinctively' stab someone in the right place, when it matters. The target's position would be irrelevant. Like I said though, not sure if he should have this trick.

Originally Posted by Geminex

Exit, Stage Right.
Dan gives a quick bow and twirls around, his cape flapping through the air around him, obscuring him from view until the audience realizes... only the cape's left, floating mysteriously, and as that slowly falls to the ground, even that disappears. Dan rises impressively out of a suitable patch of ground up to 30 feet from his starting position.

Yeah, that's not happening. Maybe if he's Awakened with a hefty cost. Maybe.

Can talk about picking and choosing powers in more depth later. Those are my base reviews - chances are you won't get more than five.

* * *

Last bio then I'm caught up! Yes.

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Name: Ben Drohmer
Race: Human
Gender: Male
Aura:
Age: 17
Appearance: Ben stands at 5'10", with light brown hair, kept cut short. His skin is slightly tanned due to a propensity for being outdoors, though his body is only thin, not muscled like an athlete. His eyes are a pale green and peer out from a generally cheerful and expressive face. He typically wears light greens and blues, preferring long sleeves and pants. On his left wrist is what appears to be a watch though its symbols are strange. Even so Ben seems to have no problem reading it. Under the watch face are two small circular scars on the back of his wrist.

Anyone else reading Bend Over when they look at this name? Not here or there, but you might wanna change the last name. That is...an unfortunate thing.

Anyway, more relevant question, is Ben his full name or just a nickname?

This is pretty firmly a Black character. Not sure why you didn't just put his aura color in yourself, but you have DM confirmation now. Your character's Bio's under your Notes for some reason, fix that.

I admit, I don't have a lot of comments to make. His bio makes him sound like a normal kid who happens to like Astrology/Astronomy and writing. The downside is that I can't think of many abilities which will work for him - there isn't much to build off of. That's not a bad thing. In fact, considering how Diana's grown, that might be a really good thing. His development will be unpredictable, but very probably positive.

Abilities, then.

Let's see. Summon: Pen, obviously, functions like Adeline's Find ability. If it isn't logical for a Pen to be found, something that would be functionally similar would appear and his attention would be drawn to it. No Time to Write is fine, since writing seems to be a focus of his (though it didn't get mentioned in his bio, its in his clubs at least).

Celestial Intuition is interesting. I happen to like it, but I want to be sure I understand: This is a spell which 'instinctively' supplies him information on the location of the North Star, provided he has some other stars which he can use as a clue, right? Is this possible? I ask because I'm not sure that one constellation would be sufficient to orient someone. Has he memorized star maps, or something to that effect? I want to make sure this ability is...sufficiently explainable.

Regardless, I think a simpler and cleaner ability would be to make the North Star something he spots quicker, based on intuition/instinct. He'd basically get lucky whenever he looked up for it, and it'd be more noticable - though not perceptibly different - from other stars. Subtly brighter light maybe?

Anyway. Cry for Pollux and Ophiuchian Fascination don't seem to fit. Unless he handles Snakes a lot - which isn't really the issue for the latter - or was raised around them, there's no reason for that skill. Just because he likes the Snake Bearer constellation doesn't give him Snake powers. Maybe a Summon/Find: Snake (probably a garder snake, given the climate) ability would be more appropriate. Unless he gets hurt a lot, Cry for Pollux doesn't fit.

Let's see...has he been in Amaranth the past two months?

Relationships. Huh. You mention Ben's 'eccentric' pretty often in here but that doesn't seem to have made the cut into your backstory. Why? He doesn't sound that eccentric, to be honest. Beyond that, nothing stands out here as a problem. Uh, should mention that I'm reading Clare (hah, another Clare) as a brawler, not a trained fighter. Am I right?

Uh, how many of these kids go to Amaranth?

[DanteFalcon]

I'll look into changing the last name. Interesting little tidbit.

Ben is his name. If you'd prefer a longer one Benjamin is fine.

Celestial Intuition is technically possible if you knew the rough time and month that you were looking at the stars as long as you're really good at knowing the positions of celestial bodies. He isn't that good at this point but he thinks he is. If you'd prefer I can switch it to Polaris just being easier to spot but its already easy to find in general (Its part of the little dipper). This is to give him more ways to find it if the sky isn't perfectly clear or something obstructs his view.

Cry for Pollux is...a result of getting beat up a lot, see Kurt's bio. Again it can be changed but considering that his clubs have -no current combat among them- (Except for veeeeeeeery debatably Meditation) and they (combat clubs) wouldn't fit his backstory I'm...hesitant to get rid of my only current survival ability without any kind of fight.

Ophiuchian Fascination I'm not terribly attached to. He doesn't handle snakes but watches them a lot as part of his research into Ophiuchus. It only makes snakes kind of...ignore him, not actually give him any snake abilities and I wasn't going that route anyway. I can drop it, I just have to figure out where to go with him.

The eccentric bit is his fascination, bordering on obsession with the zodiac. I didn't think I needed to beat that till it was a dead horse in his backstory though I certainly can. Yes Clare is a brawler over a trained fighter. And as far as he knows none go to Amaranth (yet and he's only close friends with one of the three to know).

[Aldurin]

Name: Naomi Disponette
Race: Human
Gender: Female
Aura:
Age: 18
Appearance: She stands at 6 feet tall with a fit, slim build. Her hair is long, flowing and blonde, and her eyes are blue. She appears to have German and Welsch heritage in her facial shaping. Her standard fashion is usually tank-tops with elaborate fractal patterns, grey or navy-blue khakis and black tennis shoes.

Spells:

Katanappearance, _ Elemental:
Naomi summons her personal katana in midswing so that people outside of the Masquerade aren't overly suspicous of where she got it, being unsure of whether she had it before the swing or not.

Shearing Force, _ Elemental:
Naomi is able to fire a small magical projectile at any target and cause breaking in a small area with a loud burst of force. On objects this will do things like generate cracks or sever chains or wire, and on people this will either bruise or damage bone. The projectile appears as a piece of her aura to Awakened casters, but is invisible to others.

Swift Reflex, Yellow Elemental:
Naomi can expend small amounts of will to accelerate her reflexes, allowing her to have a better chance at dodging melee attacks and being able to try to sidestep projectiles if she has enough forewarning to notice it.

Feather Touch, _ Elemental:
Naomi can use magic to halve her weight or the weight of something she's making contact with, letting her maneuver more easily or being better able to lift and/or throw objects or opponents. The effect lasts for 3 seconds on external targets once contact is broken.

Feel the Power, _ Elemental:
Naomi revels in her magical strength, expending willpower to regenerate wounds and clear her mind of debilitating factors. Side effects include scary behavior and maniacal laughter. (I assume this is Grade 2).

Deja Vu, _ Elemental:
One of Naomi's favorite tricks is making other people have a deja vu moment, causing them to percieve some event in their surroundings happen twice, distracting them to a varying degree.

Bio:

Naomi grew up in the Pacific Northwest, attending public schools and doing normal girl things growing up, getting decent grades and avoiding trouble. The only really noticeable detail is that her parents were into Japanese culture and trained Naomi with a katana for a short period. At about age 14 her parents finally decided to make her aware of magic and thus Awaken her, teaching her to better control and utilize it over the next four years. During this time the power corrupted her slightly, changing her from the quiet, cautious girl she was to being aggressive, devious and flamboyant.

Her parents decided it was best for her to finish high school before applying to Amaranth, so she impatiently trained to fully hone and harness her skills. Her awakening made her aware of which classmates were capable of using magic, and let her identify some friends she could invite along to Amaranth. She's attended since the beginning of the year, but was recently transferred to Landry's class after the majority of the faculty agreed she needed to be "put in her place" and thought that this was the best way.

Notes: While being a crafty power monger, her parents did make it clear that the Masquerade was one thing that she should NEVER mess with, and thus she respects the integrity of the conspiracy. Besides, why would she want even MORE people to come up to her level? She often takes an aggressive yet cunning approach to all aspects of life, which shows in her fighting where she prefers to fight defensively to frustrate her opponent and make their effort feel futile.

Clubs:

Fitness Club
Tabletop Club
Anime Club
MMA Club

Relationships:

Ayumi Fosburgh:
One of Naomi's roommates, she's a shorter girl with black hair and a similar build to Neoma and the same age. Ayumi is a Black from Japan who was enrolled here after her martial arts instructors sensed her supernatural potential. She is still unaware of the Masquerade, and Naomi is looking for the right time to try to awaken her. Her interests generally fall into the outdoors and into mastering her own body, so she can probably be found at related clubs. She is generally stoic and not easily surprised by her environment, but will relax around Naomi and be more amiable, often attempting to quell Naomi's aggression towards others. (Would like her to be in the fitness club with Naomi).

Violette Donota:
Naomi's other roommate and one of the friends she graduated with. Violette is a half-succubus who's handled her burden quite well, somehow managing to fully suppress her sexual urges and only using her charming-based abilities to become the most popular girl of their graduating class (something Naomi still bothers her about). She and Naomi are in ways rivals, competing for power using their different skills but never going too far as to endanger their friendship. She shares Naomi's interest for anime and hopes to make her own series eventually. (Hoping to have her in the Anime Club and Tabletop Club with Naomi).

Sarah Pendleton:
The other friend from Naomi's graduating class that managed to get into Amaranth. She is generally unpopular for being even more aggressive and direct than Naomi, unofficially dubbed the street fighter of their high school due to how many fights she would get into. Naomi has made a friend out of her ever since the great fistfight of junior year, and they often practice fighting together. Sarah prefers unarmed for the sheer flexibility, but will pick up weapons when needed. She's unaware of her powers and believes her strength in combat is part of her destiny. (Hoping to have her in MMA with Naomi.)

[Geminex]

Heya! Response time. This is fun!

Please make this appearance more concise Gem. It isn't something I'll reject your bio over, but it'll make everyone's job easier when they want to remember what Dan looks like. Oh, and could you make him prettier? Amaranth actually has a policy about that. Didn't think it was important, so I didn't mention it in the Primer, sorry.

I didn't mean for him to be ugly, just for him to look older than 17, maybe in the range of 20, 21. I figure he could still have a definite handsome charm. Though a policy that requires students to be good-looking sure is a weird policy! But I suppose that's the way things go in Landryville. And I'll also write a more concise description, no problem.

Your bio's actually pretty okay, from what I can see. The issues in here are relatively small and more related to his powers than the bio itself. Firstly, if things go missing around him, he'd start to get a reputation where he lived. I suspect his room would have been searched much sooner than it was. Not a big change, but it means he would have been thrown out sooner than he was (this is negotiable, I suppose). Single largest problem is the ending. If a Black ends up in Juvie, they'll serve their sentence. Amaranth is more of a reform school for the supernatural, not the instinctive - even if it wasn't his fault, at best, he'd be Awakened and sent somewhere else for training. You'll have to change his reason for being here.

Well, that's mildly problematic! Someone has to send him to Amaranth. Either the government, or someone else. I see two alternatives here.

EITHER!
Dan is discovered by Fog and approached after completing his 6-month sentence. Dan isn't dangerous, but he is using his powers for criminal purposes in a way that may well draw attention! Fog attempts to awaken him, but Dan's skepticism and experience with deception makes him assume that any demonstration of magic is simply an elaborate trick. Fog recommends that he spend some time in a well-supervised, highly magical environment. Amaranth is chosen for its high degree of surveillance.

Dunno how much you like this variant, it lets me keep Fog, but it seems a bit contrived, even to me. So, the

ALTERNATIVE:
After completing his sentence, Dan is approached by a strange woman who bears a marked resemblance to him. She introduces herself as Marcia von Tann, his mother, explains some family history. She, a witch of moderate rank within the masquerade, maybe among the enforcers, (she wouldn't tell him this bit, yet) met his father, a Vegas stage magician, had a whirlwind romance that produced Dan. His father, however, left her when Dan was about 8 months old, and took him along. He left, either because she tried to introduce him to the masquerade herself and he got scared, or because he'd realized on his own that she was somehow magical, and was scared for his and Dan's sake. In any case, she'd have tried to track them down, unsuccessfully, due to the fact that, as carnies, they never spent much time in one place, and dad always went by a stage name.

Upon his arrest, though, and the realization of the fact that he was a criminal Black, Dan's name would've been entered in masquerade files, for surveillance, at the very least. She would've recognized the name, and would've remembered that her son had had a black aura, so while he was at juvie, she would've had a maternity test performed. She'd have tried to introduce Dan to her world, including an attempt to Awaken him, but that would've failed, due to aforesaid skepticism. She couldn't introdue him to her life, she couldn't have an unawakened black trained, and she didn't want to somehow force him into an awakening. That only left Amaranth, which she was willing to fund.. She would've sent him there in the opes that he'd gradually awake. And also survive.

Reading through the two, I think I'd prefer the second option! It'd let me create another NPC for Marcia, though I'd have to scrap Fog. Kinda sad about that. I liked Fog! But oh wells. I'll be happy if I manage to justify Dan's presence at the school at all.

I just hope I got everything right, I'm not sure what standard procedure in that kind of situation would be for Marcia, and what kind of behavior would make sense. If neither of these work, any suggestions you can come up with would also be appreciated! I'm not sure how blacks are handled.

Re: Eskrima club

It is cool. But, I would say join the Fencing Club (they teach styles other than the rapier) or Meditation Club. The former might be better, since Fencing in Amaranth emphasizes speed and Meditation is decidedly more spiritual. Its style emphasizes form and grace and works better with staves, polearms and dual weapons.

Honestly, maybe I made him too combat-focused altogether. You're right, he isn't a fighter. Maybe a juggling club? Hmm, gonna think about this one. Trying to consider where I'd like Dan to end up being, what I could see him doing after graduating. I'll try to work into that direction.

[/quote]As for your NPCs, they're interesting and I like them. That said, I'm not sure if Damien Fog is appropriate as he stands, since someone like him would have an ability like Jack's aura reading. Fact is, Dan's not a victim of his powers, as some Blacks end up - no exceptional circumstances to merit Damien's attention. Should note that magical "talent" is not really a factor in this setting. It happens, but it's incredibly rare, and more of a curse than a gift.[quote]

I might cut out Fog altogether, as mentioned above! Though I'm glad you liked the remainder. Credit to Relm for inspiring Gary. Also to the actual Gary.

re: Legerdemain

You'll need to break this one down for each specific trick he does. I have a few ideas for some of these, but at this stage, I think it would be best to let you think about it and see what you come up with. Should note that, generally speaking, Motion-Speed boosting abilities won't be allowed, outside of Flash Actions - which are tricky for Blacks to get.

I think I see what you mean here. Unfortunately, I'm kinda inexperienced in the art of Legerdemain, so I don't know if there's common motions or tricks that I could speed up with a spell.

I could definitely make one specifically for pickpocketing/snatching stuff, which I could then maybe upgrade to steal other things, progressively more difficult, like a bullet from the chameber of a gun, a weapon from an enemy's hand or maybe something utterly immaterial, like their motivation or their energy. Would that be workable?

I'd have to think about the remaining applications, though I'd be really happy to hear some suggestions!

Re: Balisong summon

Bit too conscious to be a Black ability. I'd also say that his powers don't have a good reason to fixate on the Balisong - its just a random knife he stole way back when. Also, Black Summoning abilities work like Adeline's Find: Ability, generally speaking - otherwise, it gets damned suspicious fast.

Makes sense. maybe I won't need this one at all. A knife isn't like a rapier. You can generally carry it around fairly unobstrusively.

Re: Look out behind you

This seems alright. It basically augments an attempt Dan makes to make his target look away from him, I think. It'll be most effective if used against someone who's never seen him doing this before. If he uses this spell more than once on the same target, or a new target who's seen this trick before, it'll become less likely to work. Cost will be moderate. May fail outright in particularly confused situations - when people just aren't paying attention to him enough to be influenced.

*nods* This is pretty much exactly how I envisioned it, so that's cool.

Re: What was that?

Does too much and is a bit too overt. At best, this ability will augment Dan attempting to be creepy and, well, creep the target out for a while (might stick around for a long time, too). It would be an instinctive curse, essentially. Making someone Paranoid would be different - not sure if you could pull that effect out of an ability like this though. I think optical illusions are too much for this kind of ability.

I'll think about this one! The paranoia bit isn't necessary, I just liked the idea of a persistent, annoying distraction. But creeping an enemy out, getting them all tense and jumpy, is already distracting in itself, expecially when combined with other stuff. Like optical illusions, loud bangs.

Re: Don't mind me

So, when Dan doesn't want to be seen, this power activates and makes him harder to notice? Makes sense with his background, to be honest. Unfortunately, since the clothes he wears makes him stand out a lot, it probably won't work too well. If his outfits were less remarkable, this would probably be effective in crowded areas, or when he's trying to hide. Probably won't work well in battle, unless he's just trying to avoid becoming an enemy's target in the first place and the enemy isn't looking for him. Would be something like creating an Illusion of Insignificance around himself, I think.

Well, I get that it'd be hard to use when he's dressed in his full stage magician gear, but when he's just in formalwear, or maybe smart casual, would he still stand out too much? Also, how much could I expect to do before getting noticed again? Could I actually, say, approach an enemy, or fight one enemy while still seeming inconspicuous to the rest? Or would this be a strictly defensive technique?

Re: Razzle Dazzle

Hm. I think this ability does too much (minor fire damage+bright lights). You'll need to pick one. More importantly, where does he get the Firecrackers? I don't think he has any income in Amaranth. He'd have to make these himself. Unless you have another idea? Oh, and he may need a lighter to use them.

The idea was that this would actually summon the firecracker, which, would really just act as the vector for the spell's effect. But that would probably kinda fail for a black as well! I'll rethink this one. Maybe Marcia can give him some pocket money, or he just nicks some from the chemistry club. In which case, maybe I wouldn't need any magic for this at all! Firecrackers alone are already painful and distracting. Though I guess the addition of magic could just enhance the effect.

Re: Right behind you

No, this one doesn't seem appropriate, and might be overpowered. Knife-fighting doesn't seem to be a big part of his character either.

A better choice would probably be something like an ability which makes the cuts he makes with a knife more painful than usual, or something that helps him to 'instinctively' stab someone in the right place, when it matters. The target's position would be irrelevant. Like I said though, not sure if he should have this trick.

He's not a knife-fighter! This move wasn't intended to be something he uses frequently. He's honestly pretty bad at fighting in general! But, if he's a thief living on the streets, he's gonna get into trouble sometimes. This would sort of be his... last-resort move. Desperation style attack, one quick stab to either end a fight or at least incapacitate an enemy long enough to get away.
Though, as I said above, I didn't really go into this making a combat character, and I think I might've focused on combat too much already.

Re: Exit, stage right

Yeah, that's not happening. Maybe if he's Awakened with a hefty cost. Maybe.

*nodnod* Figured. That's why I made lots! So some can drop out.

[Inbred Chocobo]

Originally Posted by Teal Mage

Right reviews for the round are ready. Sorry for the wait. Will try to be on the pad for a bit after this - if not tonight, then tomorrow.

Inbred, as it stands, your character does not work. For a simple reason that, admittedly, somehow did not get into the Primer.

Demons have blood.

Your demon has an allergy to blood.

This might sound like something that can be fixed relatively easily with a modified racial weakness, but it actually brings me to the crux of the matter. Your character's race? I can't make heads or tails of it. "Fire Demon" is a generic term - you need to be more specific. What are you after?

Alright, let me start here. Talking with some of the other players, they think that Alex fits better as a Fire Spirit, which I like the idea of. The background is honestly not my favorite part of the character, and I can alter that completely to fit in with a character that can do the things that I have posted, my question though for you Teal is

Could a properly trained Fire Spirit actually live off of burning things and using them as sustenance, or not? (I mean, his big weakness is he needs fire to live, not food). This comes with training on learning how to heal with fire as well.

If the Fire Spirit with the powers is possible with a backstory to support it, then I will change that to fit better with things. (Most likely trained under another fire spirit, wanderlust urged him to talk to him about getting out and seeing new places, and understanding his potential to grow and seek out the world the other fire spirit got him into the school, discuss specifics in a bit about that if we go that route)



If it is not possible, then we will swap to the half-demon, drop the fire extreme healing and weakness. Instead his has an aversion to extremely cold temperatures. Nothing fatal, but Ice does better against him. I would imagine Catherine I would try to explain that she is a mage herself, and runs the orphanage as a form of cover for taking in kids that look as they had magical apptitude, on behalf of one of the organizations (undecided, figure out which one would most likely do it, or make one up to do it). Trained slightly there, for use by the organization. Ran away without friends, joined a simple gang that had no use of magic. Gang got in trouble and killed off, another person from that organization found him in the hospital, and offered to get him into the school, or else.



If neither of those are an option, then I may just go full black on you, half fire demon, never learned magic, was an orphan, got into a lot of trouble as a kid, but was found to be rather smart, and pretty as he got older. Random rich family adopted the kid, misguided in thinking that they could take a troubled orphan in turning his life around. Caused problems for them (things got set on fire a lot) and then they decided to send him to this school to see if he would do better there. (His spells would change to indirect things instead. Demon form would only every appear in a full blown rage, which he had never achieved yet, a strong burst of emotion might cause something he is holding to catch on fire. He stole one of their longswords they had on display, which actually is one of the real weapons, but no matter how many times they take it it always comes back, and something else possibly.

This would not happen. Alex would get to pick his clubs like everyone else.

I can change that no problem.

EDIT: I'll be honest as well, consider how much of the character I have to change, I may go back to the drawing board and make another, as learning more about how this system works is giving me a lot of other ideas.

[Teal Mage]

Right, I talked to Gem a little already over the pad. Will reply to his last post after he rejiggles his backstory again.

Now then, reviews!

Originally Posted by DanteFalcon

Cry for Pollux is...a result of getting beat up a lot, see Kurt's bio. Again it can be changed but considering that his clubs have -no current combat among them- (Except for veeeeeeeery debatably Meditation) and they (combat clubs) wouldn't fit his backstory I'm...hesitant to get rid of my only current survival ability without any kind of fight.

While I understand worrying about survival in combat Dante, just because a power is useful doesn't mean you'll get it - especially not as a Black. They're ultimately the strongest type of PC, but part of their price is that their abilities are not fully within your control. If this wasn't clear before, I hope it is now. Black abilities need to be justified by circumstance.

Regarding Cry for Pollux and his bullying situation, this seems to be a bigger problem than I thought it was originally. I'm getting mixed messages from reading his bio. On one hand, his Notes/Background section implies that, while he might have been 'bullied' (a broad term) it was not serious (limited to verbal abuse?) - hence why he's shaken most of it off and remains cheerful/happy/outgoing. On the other hand, there are mentions of Kurt 'frequently leaving him bruised and bleeding.' This is decidedly at a wholly different level of abuse, and really should have had a serious effect on him.

This happens in other places in your bio too. The Notes mentions his interest in Astrology in passing - as if its just that, a passing interest. However, his Relationship section places emphasis that his interest in Astrology is an eccentric - a fact you've confirmed in the last post. It was an obsession, apparently. Yet, comments in Erik's section of the character sheet suggest he's charismatic and well liked by anyone he talks to, in spite of that. Even Kurt's bio echoes this - he always had one friend nearby to keep it from getting out-of-hand, suggesting that he had a lot of friends, and that Kurt was really the only one who hated him.

Basically, as I'm reading this, Ben doesn't seem to the type to be a bullying victim. He had a lot of friends (hence why someone was always able to bail him out of trouble) and a way of talking to people. He might have been bullied a little (pretty much everyone is), but he wasn't 'different' or 'weak.' But, From what you're telling me now, he was decidedly different. He was obsessed with the stars, and only had a few friends. The bullying should have seriously affected him, but it didn't. That doesn't make sense, unless it wasn't as extreme as it is in here.

See the problem? It almost seems like there are two characters here. Popular-Normal-Ben and Eccentric-Bullied-Ben. They're contradictory - you'll need to pick one or the other.

Will add that, at present, Kurt does not seem to be a realistic character. Reading his bio closely, there doesn't seem to be a reason for him to hate Ben. Hell, Ben's even a 'pacifist' in the backstory. The sum of it blatantly portrays Kurt as evil, and Ben as a pure and innocent victim. Things are more complicated than that. If you don't give me a good reason, I'll make one up for Kurt myself - for the record.

Same goes for any other details you don't specify outright in your backstory/bio, by the way.

Other, lesser, issues, can wait until this is sorted.

* * *

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Bio: Naomi grew up in the Pacific Northwest, attending public schools and doing normal girl things growing up, getting decent grades and avoiding trouble. The only really noticeable detail is that her parents were into Japanese culture and trained Naomi with a katana for a short period (meaningless. She'll suck still.). At about age 14 her parents finally decided to make her aware of magic and thus Awaken her, teaching her to better control and utilize it over the next four years. During this time the power corrupted her slightly, changing her from the quiet, cautious girl she was to being aggressive, devious and flamboyant.

Naomi's parents are nuts, Aldurin. Absolutely nuts. I shall explain!

Teaching children magic is dangerous, and does actually violate the Masquerade. The Guilds/Governments are generally not going to kill you for Awakening your own kid, but they will monitor you closely to make sure your kid isn't a threat. Naomi's folks will need to have to be Magic-Users themselves, so they would know that. If, as described here, Naomi could not handle learning magic - was corrupted by the power - she would be killed. This is not normal, magic doesn't not corrupt naturally, but it can happen.

If her parents hid her, all gloves are off if she causes serious damage. They will be killed as well.

Additionally, having a katana shoved in her hands by her crazy parents as a kid doesn't give her katana training. She'd have to stick with it consistantly, in addition to everything else. This means slower growth in magical-skill and a longer period spent learning the basics of magic. As it stands, her backstory does not mention her training with a Katana at all after learning the basics, so she has no skill with it. Her clubs also don't train her with it (I added Kendo, if you didn't see it in my last response).

That said, this is "fine" - her parents, totally, can believe their child 'deserves' to be Awakened. It would be considered unwise and irresponsible by mainstream magical society - they'd have to be part of an extreme faction of it with particular views on Magic.

Questions though:

1) Which Guild are they in? The Government Organizations don't fit their apparent ideology, so they aren't an option.

2) Which country is she from? It isn't specified in your bio.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Her parents decided it was best for her to finish high school before applying to Amaranth, so she impatiently trained to fully hone and harness her skills. Her awakening made her aware of which classmates were capable of using magic, and let her identify some friends she could invite along to Amaranth. She's attended since the beginning of the year, but was recently transferred to Landry's class after the majority of the faculty agreed she needed to be "put in her place" and thought that this was the best way.

Problems become insurmountable here.

If Naomi has become unstable and is still attending public school, someone will notice she's Awakened and dangerous. She would be watched closely. Eventually, she would be taken out - it happens. Workable if she was homeschooled, not in public school.

But, she would not survive if she got impatient and began to experiment. This is how young Magicians die. Given her instability, she'd probably kill her parents too, in the process. There's no way to avoid that.

Additional notes:

1) Everyone in her class is 'capable' of using magic. Every human is.

2) Her friends can apply to Amaranth like her. There's nothing stopping it, but they may not be accepted. Her invitation is meaningless.

3) Landry's class is not a punishment.

4) She would not survive two months at Amaranth.

Originally Posted by Aldurin

Notes: While being a crafty power monger, her parents did make it clear that the Masquerade was one thing that she should NEVER mess with, and thus she respects the integrity of the conspiracy. Besides, why would she want even MORE people to come up to her level? She often takes an aggressive yet cunning approach to all aspects of life, which shows in her fighting where she prefers to fight defensively to frustrate her opponent and make their effort feel futile.

While that is all very nice, saying it in a bio does not mean it will happen in-game. You might as well remove it and prove it when the game begins. I will remind you though, other characters will be smarter, stronger, faster and just all around better than her. These statements suggest you won't survive long in this game - I'm giving you this warning: Arrogance on the part of the player will kill their character.

Oh, last thing: You're probably not taking that warning seriously enough.

Relationships now.

To be clear: People almost never have 'outstanding magical potential.' It occurs very, very, rarely. If someone has it though, they become a very tasty snack to every magically sensitive being who sees them. PCs will not be allowed to have this trait, but if you want Ayumi to have it, I don't have an issue with that. However, the school would probably put her in a private dorm, or with non-demonic Blacks to avoid...unpleasantness.

I've already said that Naomi would not last two months in Amaranth. She won't last a week if she talks about magic casually with a Black (like Ayumi). Awakening Ayumi would also get Naomi killed.

...you know, if Violette's got control of her 'urges' you don't need to mention them at all. However, I will say that a Demon who abuses their magic would get into serious trouble. If she applied her powers carefully, she might get away with a little magical manipulation, but such things are heavily frowned upon for the Awakened, especially if its done for frivilous reasons - like here.

Sarah's overpowered. Rejected.

Won't be discussing your abilities until your background is in order.

[Aldurin]

Ok, well the big issue I would like to have defined before I even make another attempt at a background is what IS an acceptable and normal background for an Awakened human? It is still unclear as to what is passable for that.

[Dracorion]

Jack's an Awakened human, for all intents and purposes. Maybe looking at his bio can help you.

[DanteFalcon]

Update to Ben's bio, offending spells removed, slight change in bio. Dropping Kurt because I don't believe this is the correct setting or time to broach a topic like bullying and his core theme stays mostly intact with or without him.

Additionally, as a point of clarification when you say "Relationships" do you really want a Summary of that person's bio? Cause that completely changes what I have written for them.

[Geminex]

Allright, reworked the background. No street urchin, no jail, instead a rich dad and a jolly grandpa.

I like the idea of Dan blackmailing his own father, but if that's too melodramatic, I can just make the father do it voluntarily.

Anyway, I left out magic altogether this time. Probably for the best. Turned out a bit unlikely, but this should work, and it should mostly let me keep the profile. Fog's out, though. : (

- Born to carnies, never knew his father, his grandfather a stage magician, mother working on costume design.
- Few other relations, homeschooled by his mother to the best of her ability
- Started performing at 6 years of age as an assistant to his grandfather
- Proved very adept with misdirection, Legerdemain and juggling. Also proved skilled at pickpocketing drunks. Mother disapproved, but grandfather said it was part of it.
- At 8, makes friends with Killian, another Carnie Brat, the two are partners in crime and good friends. Relationship starts badly (tries to pickpocket Killian and gets beat up for his troubles). Running home to his mother, gets told that she's not standing up for him this time, stealing is necessary sometimes, but so is trust. Told that trust is much more valuable than money at times. Also, he'll get beaten up. Important lesson.
- From the age of 14, started performing solo on occasions, also ran shell games, stole much more frequently (but never from carnies)
- At age 17, mothe dies in an accident. After funeral, grandfather tells him about his father.
A businessman whose eye she caught while studying fashion on a scholarship in new york. 2-month whirlwind romance before he was promoted and disappeared without a word, without even realizing that he'd fathered a kid. Losing her scholarship due to her pregnancy, she would've asked her estranged father, a stage magician, for help. He would've taken her in and gotten her a job at the circus after she had Dan.
Grandfather would confess that he'd initially become estranged from his mother in the first place because she'd always wanted to be something better, practically homeschooled herself and left the circus to study fashion as soon as she had the chance.
"But she was right. This weren't no place for her, and it ain't no place for you. Ye can do much better than this, I know ye can. Yer mom was proud, she never wanted to ask him for help, but he's yer ticket outta this place. Talk ta him."
Basically, grandfather tells him who his father is, tells him that he's rich, and tells him that he thinks Dan should use that to his advantage to at least get something resembling an education.
- Dan confronts his father, ends up basically blackmailing him to send him to a proper school. Dad sends him to Amarath, partly because it is a really good school, partly because, if nothing else, Dan has a good chance of just disappearing entirely.

Edit:
I'll probably be reworking a lot of his powers to fit in with the new background, so if you haven't written out your response to my previous post yet, no need to.