The Marvelous Misadventures of Asshat! [REBOOT]

[Token]

Originally Posted by BardTheFifthLightWarrior

Really happy to see this back, and Flare's updates are a good bonus to.

I never cared for Chikorita before, but I actually chose it on my first play through of Heart Gold. I mostly did it as a joke, because my two other friends had Typhlosion and Feraligator, but the little plant-thing grew on me. After a while, I just couldn't let her go.

Me: I want to add that Metagross to my team really badly, but I just don't have any room in my team. Damn it!
Friend: Dude, just get rid of the fucking Meganium.
Me: I can't! I've grown to attached! Don't make me get rid of her!
Friend: Just drop the damn thing in the PC!

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who avoids putting my starter in the PC. I have so many better Fire types, but TyBROsion always stays in my party these days.

ANYWAY. Finally wrapped up high school, and I graduate on Sunday. Making sure everything was in place is a large part of why I haven't updated recently. (The other part is StarCraft because I finally buckled to my douchebag friends.) Updates will resume within the next few days. For realsies this time, I've already half finished Episode 3. Which, just so you know, gets me back to (or maybe finishing, I haven't decided yet) Eckruteak. That's right bitches, we'll be back to actually EXPLORING JOHTO! WOO!

[Token]

Okay. Double posts are bad, but most of the puns in this thing are worse, and I've gotten away with those. Where things stand: Part 3 is done. I'll update either late tonight, early tomorrow, or late tomorrow night. I'd be more specific, but real life is getting in the way. More specifically, grad parties out the ass tonight, and Graduation tomorrow from 1 until about 4. Kind of important.

[Bard The 5th LW]

I know how it is.

Gotta take a 2 hour drive tomorrow for a grad party. Goddamn nausea won't help the ride.

[Token]

Where was I?


Oh. Right. Standing on the corpse of Violet City.

Quick stop in New Bark to show Totaro to Elm, and then I can move forward!

Or I could stop at the Ruins... Fuck that shit.

Better than Dolly, probably.

Without Leatherhed (the REAL one, anyway), I'm gonna need another Water type.

So...

Here we go!

And another!

Because anything else is dumb.

Some quick POWERLEVELing later, and Stabeak's beak pierces the heavens!

I hate caves. Especially Johto caves.

Got some POWERLEVELing done though, so it's all good.

I'm gonna have to do this shit again, aren't I?

Yep. All by myself. Dammit.

Unless... maybe this time he didn't "hurt" himself! It's possible, isn't it?

Didn't think so.

I'd feel sorry for you if this wasn't the second damn time we've had this conversation.

The jackass who made you fall is laying facedown in the dirt by the exit, pretending to be hurt so that he can guilt trip me into kicking your asses. In all honesty, if you could just tell the guy standing in front of the gym to let me in, I'd hold Kurt down while you kick his ass. I'd enjoy it.

No? Very well, fuck you.

Y'know, there's one Pokemon I hate more than Chikorita. Can you guess what it is?

Wrong. It's your mother.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Kid, my mother is perfectly human. Also, you're a douche."

The thing is, you're wrong.

Well, you're right about the douche part, obviously. But your mother. Just looking at your ugly face, I can tell she must have been a Stunky or Rattata or something equally fugly.

Why in the hell do you people always think I want to stop you? I had a Slowpoke! The bugger couldn't feel any pain, and they grow back anyway!

Oh for fuck's sake.

Drown'd!

It'll be ruined even more if you get your asses handed to you by a kid with a Chikorita.

Logic'd!

Pohatu! You ready to... ...ROCK?

Worldwide recognition of my comedic genius? Or just your asses out of my way.

Typical. None of you fuckers listen to reason.

Oh this just isn't fair.

If I wasn't trying to get my damn badge, I'd feel bad.

I'm sure I'll have so much trouble. What with Team Rocket's might army of Normal and Poison types.

So, here's the thing. You lot are from Kanto right?

And you're basically just over here to annoy Johto? I can respect that. Really. I hate these fuckers. How about this: you stay the fuck out of my way, and I sit back and watch you make Johto citizens unhappy. It's win-win.

I'm going to assume that means you accept my terms. If any of you Rocket crackas get in my way again, I will destroy them. Then, to drive the point home, I will hunt you, Mr. Proton, down. I will kick your ass so hard that my foot will be married to your sphincter in nineteen counties. Understand?

...How the fuck did you get my number?

No. It's Johto out.

But seriously. How do you have this number?

That's not an answer! That's the opposite of an answer!

For fuck's sake, my Pocket Monster Gear is OFF.

I... how... muffins...

Fuck I hope not.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

So, since I'll be kicking Bugsy's ass in a few minutes, ROLL CALL!

Pohatu. Pretty rad, and unlike his namesake, actually badass. Probably the most destructive member of my team.

Kittan's awesome as well, but some new moves really couldn't hurt.

Sayrune is the newest, but he's dependable. I think the little bugger should be able to propel me straight to the top.

Stabeak, is also tough as hell. She hasn't lost a battle yet, and I doubt she will any time soon. I think it's safe to say that all of my Pokemon are pretty fucking rad.

Oh. Right. This fucker. It's still not allowed to eat. Or speak. Can't believe the fucker has the audacity to use Leatherhed's name...

Right! Time to go vent!

You'll do nicely, Mister Shemale Guy-Chick.

Oh dear Palkia. The giant mushroom we're standing by... I think I just got a contact high!

BOSS BATTLE!
TokenASSHAT VS HERMAPHRODITE BUG NERD

Wait. Giant mushroom?

That's totally not... suggestive or anything.

How did I not notice that the first time around?

Kittan, Drill beats scythe. Unless it's Death's scythe. He's pretty rad.

You think that's fury? You haven't come close to harnessing the power of hatred and rage. Kittan, focus on all the shit we've had to put up with.

You know who caused all that shit?

Probably Joey or Arceus or something.
But you know who we can take it out on? THIS FUCKER.

KITTAN, HATE ATTACK!

That's how it's done, bitch.

Easy.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Mewdammit I forgot about you.

MINIBOSS BATTLE!
TokenASSHAT VS ASSHATToken!

I seem to remember you being much more difficult.

I hate you too. Peace out.

Well yes. I know that now.

Couldn't you have told me that before I pissed it off-or pissed on it, for that matter?

No-no-no-no-no-no-FUCKNO.

We aren't going through this shit again. YOU. Get your bitch ass back before I fucking feed you to Stabeak.

That's what I thought. Keep that fucking thing on a leash.

Now I just need something to use it...

You'll do!

So. Celebi. Sorry for pissing on your shrine. That was ignorant of me. Please don't fuck with my life anymore k'thanks.
It's coo'. That shit wasn't me anyway.
I...oh... then who?
Damn nigga, how should I know? Get the fuck out of my forest.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Well, glad the Celebi mess is cleared up. Ish. Course, now I don't know why the fuck I was sent back in time...

Not the best nickname, but it'll do 'til I thinkNPF thinks of something better.

"It's like so far it's been all chain and no ball."

Like a sex machine ready to reload, like an atom bomb about to oh-oh-oh-oh-oh explode!

Don't stop me now! I was having such a good time, then you gave me a call!

Oh, fuck yes.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

You aren't any less fucktarded the second time around.

Don't give me that shit, you know what you did. Wait a second... game corner...



Also: you don't fucking deserve the name "Leatherhed."

You also don't deserve to evolve.

OH RIGHT THIS BITCH.

oh shit why are you at the front of my party no

goddammit i am so sorry whitney i swear this never happens

it's not you it's-what.

Okay. Uh. I'm kind of in fucking shock. I'm just need a moment to take all this in...



Moment achieved. Back to the-

Dammit. Must have fulfilled it's usefulness quota for this century...

There's no possible way that Pohatu will lose!

What.

Kittan?

WHAT.

WHA- oh right. I won.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Doo-doo-doo-STEAL!

Doo-doo-doo-WATER!

Doo-doo-doo-woodo!

Doo-doo-doo-Ecruteak!

Doo-doo-doo-douche!

Yeah time machine that's great can I heal now?

I couldn't care less.

Stupid jackass with his stupid machine for sending things to the past...

Wait, WHAT? Oh that son of a bitch!

You wish it was that simple. Get your ass over to Mt. Mortar.
What?

NEXT TIME ON THE MARVELOUS MISADVENTURES OF ASSHAT:
Ghosts, Gerbils, and Gods!

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

...I like Chikorita =(

[Flarecobra]

Well, that explains who sent him back.

[Great Cartoonist]

Palkia bribed Dialga to screw around with Asshat?

And I have absolutely nothing to do with it. Nope. Seriously, I don't even bother to do family reunions anymore after that last fiasco with Giraturd, which was 3000 or so years ago.

<Now you're just making crap up!>

Am I?

[Token]

Not quite. Kinda spoilers? Does it matter?Arceus won't figure into things, but Dialga and Giratina will. Asshat played an even bigger part though.

[Flarecobra]

He also doesn't seem to be RAGING as much... is it because he gets to indulge in some underage gambling?

[Ecks]

Is that supposed to be Palkia's portrait at the end or did you mean for it to be Dialga?