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Unread 05-20-2012, 09:23 PM   #41
Red Mage Black
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Default Reworked Stuff

Appearance: Same body build, hair color and skin tone. Eyes are golden during the day and change to silver at night, gift from The Wanderer to his chosen, with the Mark of The Wanderer under his right eye(what it looks like is up to you). From a cursory glance, seems to look like a strange tribal tattoo.

Equipment: Walking stick, Cloak, Nomad Clothing of varying hues and a mask bearing The Wanderer's mark.

Biography: Nasir grew up in the middle east, learning of his heritage and the gods of which they worshiped. In part, this was both training and basic understanding of their culture. To which they prized their nomadic ways and shunned those that locked themselves up in cities, corrupting themselves to false beliefs and complacency.

Before him, another had the mark of The Wanderer. The Priests had questioned why such a person was granted the gift. They had been corrupted by the towns and villages they had passed, trying to 'modernize' the tribe and settle down. This wouldn't last long, as soon, The Wanderer would deem them unworthy and the tribe would cast them out.

It would take time, but the day would finally come. Nasir had turned 15 not two days after the last chosen had been banished, only to find himself marked by The Wanderer's blessing. Even he didn't know why, as he hadn't done anything worthy of receiving such a revered marking. Quite possibly, The Wanderer had seen something possible in his future. The mark was received with puzzled praise, but everyone had known that The Wanderer's choice was never to be questioned. How could you question a being that could see possible futures that you could not?

For one year, almost to the exact date, he had helped lead the tribe, helping make difficult decisions with the other chosen. Until one night, during a particularly strange dream, he was confronted by the enigmatic deity. Under a moonlit desert, The Wanderer had shown him a strange place called 'Amaranth'. Something he hadn't ever seen in the villages and towns they had passed. He was told, "This is the future I have seen for you. You must go to that place called Amaranth. You must find your own way there. Learn along the way and show me I was not wrong to choose you."
Shocked by this turn of events, the other priests had been forced to accept this eventuality. Again, the enigma that was The Wanderer couldn't be questioned. Reluctantly, they saw him off, blessing his travels. The Wanderer would never lead its chosen astray, but even the path forward is never clear of obstacles.

It would take him a couple more years to reach the school. His strange views and religious beliefs would turn others away and it didn't help that his dim view of those who would allow themselves to stay in one place didn't mesh with city-folk. Also the fact that he had no concept of currency or a monetary system, since his tribe never needed one. Despite his lack of knowledge of boats larger than river boats, sailors were the only ones he could actually relate to. Never staying in one place too long, but he despised their false Gods.

Canada was a strange new place of its own. So many trees, such little sand and more water than he would normally see in one place. His arrival at Amanrath was better received then he anticipated. Though he was left wondering what his patron would have him do next. Left where he was, The Wanderer had told him his future was here, so what choice was left but to enroll? However, this place was going to become uncomfortable quickly. The water fountains were a big deal and all these strange people he would have to deal with. He would need to bide his time, as The Wanderer could one night show him what he needed to do next.

Spells: (First Drafts)

Bedlam Strike - (Not totally sure) -
By infusing his walking stick with will, Nasir only needs to touch or strike the opponent to activate the effect, which includes confusion.

Deny The Infidel - (Surge? I'm not sure, entirely) -
It is a great sin to strike the Priests of the tribe, who are the chosen of their Gods. They are not defenseless against assault, however. With a surge of will and speaking the holy words of protection, Nasir increases his endurance to attacks, turning a bone shattering blow into a bruise or preventing a knife or similar sharp instrument from going in too deep and causing too much damage.

The Wanderer's Mask - (This one is tough, at least to me) -
No one aspect of The Wanderer is the same except their eyes. In a way, Nasir can mimic this, by changing his skin color, hair color or in more extreme cases, gender. This came to be best used during his travels to Amaranth, where he didn't want to appear too foreign.

Condemn The Weak - (Not totally certain about this) -
The tribe has very little tolerance for the weak in both mind and body. While they do their best to help fellow tribemen become stronger, there just is no helping those who do not wish to put forth the effort. Targeting the opponent and as long as they can hear him speak, Nasir recites ancient words of condemnation at the opponent, effectively reducing their strength. Whether or not they can understand what he's saying isn't a problem as long as they can hear him. With more refinement and a higher grade, he may be able to reduce more then just strength.

Deny Change - (Spell hue somehow escapes me right now) -
The tribe does have knowledge of others with powers similar to their own, as such they would need to find ways to deny the harsh effects that some decide to wield against others. By channeling will through a prayer of healing, Nasir challenges and seeks to remove physical curse effects from himself or others. Later refinement might also include healing physically inflicted wounds as well.

Whispers on the Wind - [Color] Elemental - (This spell is from the incarnation before.)-
Impending danger lurks in every corner. Wherever the wind blows, fast or slow, Nasir can get an idea of what is up ahead by focusing his will on listening to what the wind tells him is there. The lesser form gives him a small idea how many people there are, but not where they're located or how strong they are. Another form of this is evesdropping on conversations, but the further away it is, the more garbled the words become.

Okay, I was told that the third spell might need a redefinition, with only one cosmetic change. So, if you'll accept it, I'm willing to simply go with gender in terms of the change. Though yeah, it's all up to you what I get.

Clubs -
Fitness
Martial Arts
Meditation
Wilderness

Last edited by Red Mage Black; 05-21-2012 at 05:31 AM.
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Unread 05-20-2012, 11:04 PM   #42
Aldurin
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Default Hopefully the backstory is good enough to move on to the spells.

Name: Naomi Disponette
Race: Human
Gender: Female
Aura:
Age: 18
Appearance: She stands at 6 feet tall with a fit, slim build. Her hair is long, flowing and blonde, and her eyes are blue. She appears to have German and Welsch heritage in her facial shaping. Her standard fashion is usually tank-tops with elaborate fractal patterns, grey or navy-blue khakis and black tennis shoes.

Spells:

Shatter Strike, _ Elemental:
Naomi chooses a target to strike, cursing them so that projectiles aimed at them curve toward weak spots, and begins to prepare a projectile of raw force that she fires at the person, the projectile being guided by the curse. The curse wears off once the projectile hits something. Intended to be Grade 2.


Surprise Strength, Yellow Elemental:
Naomi uses her magic to increase her experiments with human strength by briefly punching really hard. Strength Surge, Grade 1 power.


Electronic Override, _ Elemental:
Naomi has learned to be able to use magic to turn on/off simple electronic devices without needing access to the key/lever/switch. Requires physical contact with the device in question.


Soothing Presence, _ Elemental:
When in a calm and clear state of mind, Naomi can generate a magical field that radiates calmness from her, in attempt to prevent potential fights and make people friendlier. Optimal effectiveness is within 10 feet of Naomi, rapidly decreasing in effect outside of that range.


Regeneration Focus, _ Elemental:
Naomi clears her mind and focuses her magic into regenerating her wounds faster. She is unable to use other spells while in this state. Mostly seals minor wounds and stops bleeding for short term, but more serious wounds should get an actual doctor.


Bio:
Naomi grew up in the Pacific Northwest of the United States (mainly Washington), raised by her parents who were both reputable and responsible members of the Wizard's Guild. To their dismay, Naomi's black magic was problematic, especially in the field of making stuff break, and began to worry their local section of the Wizard's Guild. Not wanting to risk an Enforcer coming in to "take away" their daughter, they decided to awaken her at age 14 so that she could have a chance to control her powers. They homeschooled her for the next two years until they were sure she wouldn't be a problem in the public, also during this time teaching her to fight with whatever she could reach or unarmed as a form of non-magical defense, before letting her go back into public schooling.


Her transition into public school went smoothly through graduation. Her interests developed toward athletics and technology, partially intrigued about how both could work with well with magic, though she didn't shirk on practicing unarmed combat. She immediately applied to Amaranth post-graduation, hoping to learn more about the body and machines to see if there was some direction she could take to utilize those (with or without magic) to better the world.


Clubs:
Fitness (Advanced if acceptable)
MMA
Computers
Meditation


Relationships:


William Disponette:
Naomi's father and respectable Wizard, William is a role model for Naomi, always being calm, collected and having no negative record criminally nor with the Masquerade. He currently lives in Spokane with Naomi's mother,holding influence in the Wizard's Guild for that area and working with Marina at the bakery. Despite his stoic nature, he cares greatly for his family and is proud that Naomi managed to get into Amaranth.


Marina Disponette:
Naomi's mother who is more amiable than William and runs a bakery. Cares for her family greatly and always does her best to send homemade cookies when Naomi's away. Holds just as high of a standing in the Wizard's Guild as William.


Ayumi Fosburgh:
One of Naomi's roommates, she's a shorter girl with black hair and a similar build to Neoma and the same age. Ayumi is an Awakened martial artist from Japan who was enrolled here after her instructor advised that it would be beneficial for her to train abroad. Her interests generally fall into the outdoors and into mastering her own body, so she can probably be found at related clubs. She is generally stoic and not easily surprised by her environment, but will relax around her friends. She regularly spars with Naomi so they both maintain their training. (Would like to see her in the Fitness Club and maybe MMA)


Karen Smith:
Naomi's other roommate. Karen is a half-djinni from the Arabic community in New York City. She came to the college to learn to become a master chemist. She often practices various forms of meditation, since while she has decent control over her powers she wants to be able to master herself. Karen and Naomi get along well, though Karen is not as dedicated as Naomi is to hand-to-hand combat. (Would like to see her in the Meditation Club with Naom)

Last edited by Aldurin; 05-22-2012 at 02:58 AM. Reason: Fixed minor background stuff and made a new spell list.
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Unread 05-21-2012, 09:17 PM   #43
Relm Zephyrous
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Birth Name: Alice Healy
Adopted Name: Alice Marshall
Actual Name: Alice Ex Nihilo
Race: Human (Irish)
Gender: Female
Aura:
Age: 19 [19]

Human Appearance: Alice looks like a late teenager of Irish descent. The girl has red hair, with freckles, twintails, and almost sickly white complexion. Her eyes are colored a deep emerald, and Alice has a sort of lean and lithe figure. Her typical outfit is a black plaid skirt with white stripes, a black beret, and a long sleeved and pocketed black shirt with various pictures of flowers and vines decorating it. Alice also usually wears a black cape, which has her crest on the back colored in white, leather gloves which also bear her crest within their palms, and that crest centered right where her stomach and chest meet. She also wears a white violet pin on her left breast. Sigil wards will adorn her uniform whenever at all pragmatic, usually hidden within this excessive outfit.

However, the school seems to have a policy against her typical dress, so these are more akin to her nightly clothes. Around campus and in classes she will have a much less standing-out outfit on. This consists of a plain long or short sleeved shirt, a composed beret on her head, and a dress down to slightly lower than her knees. The colors of the outfits vary from day to day depending on the mood that she is in, with a preference for dark blue and black shadings, but the rest of the outfit will generally not change very much. The only part of her more excessive outfit that she keeps with her in normal dress is the single white violet pin, which is still in place on her left breast.

( The 'crest' that Alice uses is a Null symbol Ø superimposed in the middle of a Delta symbol )


Bio: Alice grew up in the east coast USA, in a family that was something more secluded from the world. Her family was very strict with her learning how to be an efficient mage and kept her home-schooled out of the public limelight to teach her some of the fundamentals and lore of the magical world. So armed with knowledge of the magical world taught under careful guidance, some of the basics of general education and social relations, Alice was set on the path to Amaranth. Of course, this seclusion wasn't entirely a matter of her necessarily being locked away, and more of one that simply resulted from her not going out of her way to do many social things. Probably a minor case of aspergers. This tendency went on to get better by time she gets to Amaranth, but for example her brother was much more outgoing and social rather than simply learning the 'rules' of socializing.

During this time alone, she in general only had the company of her family, which means that while she is extravagant and knows social rules taught to her, she's competitive and not the greatest at flat out interactions. The most she typically would have had is from her classmates in the Capoeria classes, and friends she made online to play strategic games with. However, her family is very competent and good company, holding or having been Enforcers that kept the peace and the masquerade, and hoping that Alice will keep the tradition into the next generation. As such, she was trained in the art of Capoeria to keep her fitness level up as well as to adjust to any challenges she may have later in life. Plus, it helped form her natural love for rhythm and trance.

Alice was prepared specifically for going to Amaranth a couple years before, slated to happen the fall after she finished High School. This happened in such ways as knowing about the dangers and how to protect herself, what clubs she would be willing to join, and other facets of the school. After a month of being in another class, a request from the board and a shuffling of students landed Alice into Landry's class, where her experience is bound to take a steep turn for the Normal.


Spells


Inkfingers
Alice can generate magical ink from her fingertips. This ink can be used for drawing sigils, and take notes if need be. Generally the spell and skill of crafting sigils.


Sigils are drawings made out of Alice's aura that typically function as Enchantments. They can be placed on flat surfaces, such as walls or the floor. To create a sigil, Alice traces it on a surface with her finger. Her fingertip leaves behind a trail of visible, magical ink. A sigil's effect can be disrupted by ruining the drawn sigil, whether by crossing it out or by scratching the surface.


Rejuvenation Sigil
Alice places this sigil on a target, and it speeds up the natural healing and restoration process. Anyone affected recovers from wounds much faster than they would naturally. Blood clots, characters regain consciousness and return to normal energy faster and immune systems are galvanised. Alice suffers will drain for every creature benefiting from this sigil.



Knowledge Sigil
This special mark lets the caster know where the mark currently is when searched for. Very handy for knowing the location of all those books you can just never find again. Active when searched for.


Null Star Sigil
This sigil projects a short-range aura that shrinks the magical pores of casters around it. This causes anyone using magic to take additional magical backlash and dampens the effects of spells.

comments(Probably just going to go ahead and say grade 2 spell here. Although I'll need to find some way to be competent at melee fighting to actually make this work out.)
Constant maintain cost.
-Would an immunity for alice be viable here? It was suggested to me with comparison to how sao has immunity to her own acid- I didn't imagine a self-immunity, but I might as well ask about it. Due to how things are going with how I don't think I'd be able to work Skeletal flux in without an 'immunity' now with how it was changed, so I would like to find some way for those two spells to be compatible in some form even if no other casting is viable.


Keep The Rhythm
A simple magic spell to let Alice do a particular action perfectly repetitively. However, if there are any 'flaws' in the way she has done the action, these will also be 'perfectly' repeated. For example, if playing DDR it will keep a perfect beat on all of her steps. If she draws a shape, she can use this spell to draw the exact shape over and over again.

commentsThe spell is thematic and I like it, but I'm having difficulties seeing if the spell is understandable and functionable by the rules.
Notes
Alice needs to activate this spell.
Alice has to have performed the motion at least once, and unless it is a heavily memorized motion, it must have been done recently.
The longer the string of actions, the more willpower.
Any 'mistakes' made in the motion that this is being triggered on will be similarly repeated.


Skeletal Flux
Mode shift that increases Alice's strength and endurance, letting her do things harder, for longer, at the cost of her will. Basically increases her general fitness and athletic level.
commentsSince this is a mode-shift, it makes me unable to cast spells while in it. While I have no problem with this, if the activation of my sigils would fall under the unable to activate clause of this by default, would I be able to ask that this mode-shift have an exception not for creation of sigils, but merely activating and deactivating them?


Clubs:
Tabletop
Computer
Gymnastics
Capoeira


Relationships:

Name: Samuel Marshall
Race: Ascended Human
Gender: Male
Aura:
Age: 54 [~90]

detailed bioThe old man who played a mentor role for Alice, awakened her, and ultimately helped make sure that she didn't take any false turns on her study of magic. A former Enforcer himself, it is one of his goals to make sure that Alice is properly trained and in shape for a career as an Enforcer. Technically would be ok with her choosing another lifestyle, but he's fairly sure the path the girl went down will lead to continue the tradition.

Aloof and distant, while he cares a lot he often times isn't around too much. Most of the 'training' Alice received was at the hands of some of the helping hands around the house rather than Marshall himself. Of course, the 'help' is also being kept under watch by Marshall, as with some advanced rejuvenating rituals he has extended his life, which lets him be healthy and primed even in old age.



Name: Maria Marshall
Race: Half-Demon (Half-Fae-Wizard)
Gender: Female
Aura:
Age: 28 [46]

detailed bioThis girl played less of a parental and more of a mentor role, although she certainly does act out a lot of the more common motherly duties for Alice. She probably has more of a parental role than Samuel technically by being around Alice far more.


Maria knows Capoeria and is the one to have taught Alice the basics on the subject, as well as having been more on hand with Alice learning and being especially strict with Alice on where to be careful regarding all things magical. She has a delight of fashion and costumes as well as being a general Drama actress. Depending on her mood this can vary from sleek and simply to outrageous outfits that explain why Alice thinks of her own outfit as 'simply' flashy. When the situation calls for it to dress up in more Fae features for funzies, such as say, if she went to a halloween festival, she simply wears a jester costume, makeup, and other props to look like a proper Fae.

(If the situation calls for a parent to come for Alice for any reason, unless it is a gravely serious matter Maria will likely be the one to answer the call.)

Last edited by Relm Zephyrous; 06-01-2012 at 10:25 PM.
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Unread 05-22-2012, 11:14 AM   #44
Inbred Chocobo
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Alright, I decided that trying to rework the original character I put up was going to morph it into something I wouldn't want to play. So here is character number 2.

Name: Markov Slatkin
Race: Human
Gender: Male
Aura: Black
Age: 18
Appearance: 6'1', athletic build, dirty blonde hair that is kept a short length laid messy. Blue eyed and fair skin toned. Markov tends to dress extremely well, wearing 3 piece suits to nice slacks and collared shirts. Very rarely will he dress more casually, but has been seen before in more athletic gear if the situation requires it.

Spells:

Concealed Weapon: Black Elemental
Markov keeps his favorite weapon on him at all times. What he doesn't realize is that when hides it, he really is slipping it into another realm, and when he pulls it out, he is pulling it back out of the realm.

Practiced Calm: Black Elemental
Markov's training with his instructor has taught him how to keep calm under pressure. Focusing on his training, he pushes a sense of calm all over himself, to steady and to focus. When he goes through these steps, what Markov doesn't know is that his magic kicks into effect, helping push out distractions, and bring into focus what he is really focusing on. Pain, fatigue, outside distractions from other people turn dull and easily ignorable when he goes into this focus.

Perfect shot: Black Elemental
Markov has a knack for hitting what he is aiming at. If he gets into an aiming position and takes sight of a target before shooting, what he doesn't realize is that his magic is making sure the shot gets there. Mostly, magic just guides the bullet, giving it a better spin, and curving it if the target is moving to make sure it hits the mark.

Shoot to kill: Black Elemental
Markov focuses on his training from his tutor, remembering the dangers and warnings, and what it truly means to point a gun at someone and mean it. He takes aim similar to the Perfect shot, but its always three shots, two at the chest, one at the head. He recalls his instructors constant forcefulness of the lethality of the gun, and the only reason to point a gun at someone is to kill them. He always feels shaken a bit after doing this, from what he blames from putting himself to kill at such a length, but in truth is really a drain on his will.

Bio: The Slatkin family is a rather rich family, coming from Russia during the days of his Great Grandfather. His Great Grandfather had setup a business, and soon the Slatkin family was a wealthy one. Being in America for 3 generations the family has taken to English being their first language, though Russian is still encouraged to be learned. Markov is named after his great grandfather as he shares the same cool blue eyes and dirty blonde hair that his grandfather was said to have.

As a child, he was rather annoying, constantly getting into trouble, getting into the family's decorative room and playing with the weapons. His parents were worried about him getting into trouble, but being business people themselves, didn't quite have enough time to do anything about it. So at age 10, for his birthday they asked him what kind of person that Markov would want to be. When he talked about secret agents, and how cool they were, they had a crazy idea of combining the idea of training in such a way and putting discipline into him in the same kind. Of course, the instructors where just regular people teaching him things from all over the board, but considering they mixed in a few instructions on self defense and gun usage and safety, Markov always thought he was going for special training as an agent.

What they ended up doing was hiring a range of instructors to teach Markov a lot of different things. Some taught him things such as talking and working with people. Others were teaching him ways of respect, and how to act regal and professional, as there were still many royals, and their were many traditions that he would need to follow should he ever find himself in their presence. Others taught him things such as martial arts, and of course there were gun courses as well.

While some lessons were boring, and definitely nothing that Markov wanted, overall he took to them well. He enjoyed the idea of training to become and agent, and the playacting he did as a kid started to show more about how he actually carried himself as he got older. Soon, he became a rather strong and graceful man, able to defend himself relatively ease and rather charming, if a bit too professional. His parents had for his 16th birthday bought him something that is gun instructor had said he was ready to own, a beautifully crafted weapon that Markov keeps with him to this day.

All of his instructors had pretty much started pushing for him to focus more on his academics if he hopes to become an agent like he hopes. High technology and science tends to go hand in hand with the agent field in Markov's eyes, so he understands its something he must do. With that, his parents had sent him off to Amaranth.

For the last couple of months, he has been apart of a different homeroom, mostly learning his classes and clubs, with the only notable thing was an attempt to become class president. However that failed when most people meet him thought that his professional attitude made him look like a drag on parties and didn't win any favors.

Clubs:
Archery
Mixed Martial Arts
Cultural
Computer

Notes:
Markov's weapon is a weapon given to him by James on his 16th birthday, something that he technically shouldn't have. Its a .50 cal Titanium plated Desert Eagle, a beautiful weapon. His roommate(s) are probably annoyed that he always spends at least a little bit of his night taking apart and cleaning the gun.

His mannerisms are always polite but professional, and this has given him a reputation of being absolutely no fun at all.

Relationships:
Mostly his instructors, I can specify them or just leave them up in the air and they can show up as needed. (as I really hadn't had much of a chance to think up all the instructors).

Last edited by Inbred Chocobo; 05-23-2012 at 09:16 PM.
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Unread 05-22-2012, 12:49 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Teal Mage View Post
Naomi's parents are nuts, Aldurin. Absolutely nuts. I shall explain!

Teaching children magic is dangerous, and does actually violate the Masquerade. The Guilds/Governments are generally not going to kill you for Awakening your own kid, but they will monitor you closely to make sure your kid isn't a threat. Naomi's folks will need to have to be Magic-Users themselves, so they would know that.
So I read this, and I read Jack's bio like Dracorion said, and it seems like Jack's foster parents Awakened him and taught him some magic. Like, straight from his bio plus the presumably reasonable assumption that "study[ing] … basics of magic around the same time," didn't involve private tutors or going to Hogwarts.

So, yeah, how does the modern witch or wizard or geomancer go about raising kids if letting them in on the Masquerade will get spooks following their kids to school, and why do the Carters get a handwave for teaching their demon-touched foster son to be a leaf blower? Some people have a tradition to maintain; is there some paperwork one can fill out at the local chapter of the Wizard's Association or what? Does it up membership dues?

Ad-SEXSEXSEX-dendum:

How do proprietary spells work in Laundry? Is there a Magic Patent Office where one can claim exclusivity on magic techniques against competitors, or is it the opposite, and no one can have private casting techniques to avoid any mage becoming too powerful?
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Last edited by phil_; 05-22-2012 at 09:08 PM.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 12:24 AM   #46
Teal Mage
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DanteFalcon View Post
Update to Ben's bio, offending spells removed, slight change in bio. Dropping Kurt because I don't believe this is the correct setting or time to broach a topic like bullying and his core theme stays mostly intact with or without him.
Noted, thanks. But you haven't actually addressed my main concern. As it stands, you still have Ben as an extremely charismatic kid - so charismatic that he was bullied all the time. In and of itself, this sort of contradiction will resolve itself one way or another in-character, but unfortunately, I can't wait that long.

He's in the Publicity club, you see. This might not be clear, but Publicity is actually really heavy interaction - his performance will be affected very heavily by his personality and character. If he's in Publicity, I need to know if people react badly to him and his eccentricities or not.

I suppose I can let this go if you drop Publicity.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanteFalcon View Post
Additionally, as a point of clarification when you say "Relationships" do you really want a Summary of that person's bio? Cause that completely changes what I have written for them.
Details not specified in your Relationships will be supplied by me. What you have is fine, if vague.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DanteFalcon View Post
Ophiuchian Fascination I'm not terribly attached to. He doesn't handle snakes but watches them a lot as part of his research into Ophiuchus. It only makes snakes kind of...ignore him, not actually give him any snake abilities and I wasn't going that route anyway. I can drop it, I just have to figure out where to go with him.
So, why does he like the 13th sign anyway?

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Originally Posted by DanteFalcon View Post
Ben is his name. If you'd prefer a longer one Benjamin is fine.
Thank-you, it's appreciated.

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Originally Posted by DanteFalcon View Post
Celestial Intuition is technically possible if you knew the rough time and month that you were looking at the stars as long as you're really good at knowing the positions of celestial bodies. He isn't that good at this point but he thinks he is. If you'd prefer I can switch it to Polaris just being easier to spot but it’s already easy to find in general (Its part of the little dipper). This is to give him more ways to find it if the sky isn't perfectly clear or something obstructs his view.
Alright, so the power itself is a Black crutch to help him with his interest. Reasonable enough. Basically, it allows him to find the North Star based on the location of other stars easily, yes? Seems fine. As per usual with Black powers, he doesn't view this as remarkable. Minor Will drain, proportionate to the difficulty of finding the star (as is the time it takes to work).

* * *

Quote:
Originally Posted by Geminex View Post
Allright, reworked the background. No street urchin, no jail, instead a rich dad and a jolly grandpa.

I like the idea of Dan blackmailing his own father, but if that's too melodramatic, I can just make the father do it voluntarily.
I see nothing wrong with this - it's a good concept. What's he using as Blackmail? In the marvellous world of PR, this is actually a relatively minor concern - anything screws with business. I would like specifics, though.

Will refrain from further power commentary, as per your suggestion.

* * *

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
Equipment: Walking stick, Cloak, Nomad Clothing of varying hues and a mask bearing The Wanderer's mark.
Basic reminder, enchanted equipment requires a spell-slot. These are all mundane (colors don't shift unless he actually changes his clothes) unless otherwise noted.

Also what is his last naaaame!? D: Here is a list of Arabian last names to help.

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
It would take him a couple more years to reach the school. His strange views and religious beliefs would turn others away and it didn't help that his dim view of those who would allow themselves to stay in one place didn't mesh with city-folk. Also the fact that he had no concept of currency or a monetary system, since his tribe never needed one. Despite his lack of knowledge of boats larger than river boats, sailors were the only ones he could actually relate to. Never staying in one place too long, but he despised their false Gods.
The Wanderer would be a bit more helpful with this trip than it’s implied here. Would probably at least direct him to individuals who could help him – members of the Witches’ guild, mostly. Trip might have been a little quicker too, especially if Nasir was using spells.

You don't strictly need to have him take two years to arrive either - its not impossible that his tribe has diplomatic relations with the Witch's Guild, and that connection could be used to get Nasir on a plane to Amaranth, or at least, shorten the trip substantially.

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
Canada was a strange new place of its own. So many trees, such little sand and more water than he would normally see in one place. His arrival at Amaranth was better received then he anticipated. Though he was left wondering what his patron would have him do next. Left where he was, The Wanderer had told him his future was here, so what choice was left but to enroll? However, this place was going to become uncomfortable quickly. The water fountains were a big deal and all these strange people he would have to deal with. He would need to bide his time, as The Wanderer could one night show him what he needed to do next.
“Young man! You are two years late!”

And that was when he met Professor Landry.

That totally serious (and canon!) addition to your backstory done, everything looks good here. Grats, Nasir’s character and backstory is approved – spells come next. Gonna preface this stuff with the statement that the Wanderer’s Brand may leave your character in this game. To be clear: This is not a planned event. It is just distinctly possible. Therefore, I recommend that you not build entirely around it so you’re not completely screwed over in the event that happens. It might not! But I would prefer you not die because you assumed the Brand was permanent at Char. Gen.

Ah, and as a reminder, Nasir has inherited the blessings of one of his tribe's other gods as God-Blood. What sort of purview do you want for it? Healing? Wind? He should still be able to use these techniques with the Brand, if he spent a bit of time adapting them.

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
Bedlam Strike - (Not totally sure) -
By infusing his walking stick with will, Nassir only needs to touch or strike the opponent to activate the effect, which includes confusion.
I don’t have a problem with this spell’s concept. I would like you to be more specific regarding what ‘Confusion’ should make the target do, though. Physical disorientation? Something more specific? Is this spell supposed to draw on the Wanderer’s Brand, or is this strictly Old Magic?

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
Deny The Infidel - (Surge? I'm not sure, entirely) -
It is a great sin to strike the Priests of the tribe, who are the chosen of their Gods. They are not defenceless against assault, however. With a surge of will and speaking the holy words of protection, Nassir increases his endurance to attacks, turning a bone shattering blow into a bruise or preventing a knife or similar sharp instrument from going in too deep and causing too much damage.
Finally. Someone who takes a defensive surge. Mechanically though, I need a little clarification on this effect. Does this create a barrier around Nasir reflexively, to protect him from physical attacks, actually harden his body to protect him from damage, or did you have a different mechanic in mind for this? The text suggests the goal of this spell may be to create a cushion-like effect around Nasir, to simply reduce damage, not actually stop it. Clarify?

Will mention that a spell which only creates a protective effect around one part of his body will be far less expensive then a full-body-defense.

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
The Wanderer's Mask - (This one is tough, at least to me) -
No one aspect of The Wanderer is the same except their eyes. In a way, Nassir can mimic this, by changing his skin color, hair color or in more extreme cases, gender. This came to be best used during his travels to Amaranth, where he didn't want to appear too foreign.
Is this an Illusion Spell, or Shapeshifting? Either way, would recommend a 'go-to' alter-ego form, which can be swapped to reflexively (or close to it). Free-Casting should cover the rest. Note that physical changes - Shapeshifting - will not include Gender Swapping with skin and hair colour changes. Illusions can, but they're, well, illusions. I don't think Nasir would be advanced enough for Glamour level stuff, so it would just be visual.

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
Condemn The Weak - (Not totally certain about this) -
The tribe has very little tolerance for the weak in both mind and body. While they do their best to help fellow tribesmen become stronger, there just is no helping those who do not wish to put forth the effort. Targeting the opponent and as long as they can hear him speak, Nasir recites ancient words of condemnation at the opponent, effectively reducing their strength. Whether or not they can understand what he's saying isn't a problem as long as they can hear him. With more refinement and a higher grade, he may be able to reduce more then just strength.
Single target technique. Sound vector. Probably pure Old Magic. Nasir can't move while reciting this spell, and needs to focus his attention on his target. Steadily reduces the target's physical strength, until Nasir stops speaking or moves. Should be Green Elemental. If you'd prefer a more single-combat style ability, there are alternatives.

An interesting spell. Name's a bit counter-intuitive too, since he's weakening a target, not condemning someone who is weak. Why would Nasir learn this particular technique?

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Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
Deny Change - (Spell hue somehow escapes me right now) -
The tribe does have knowledge of others with powers similar to their own, as such they would need to find ways to deny the harsh effects that some decide to wield against others. By channelling will through a prayer of healing, Nasir challenges and seeks to remove physical curse effects from himself or others. Later refinement might also include healing physically inflicted wounds as well.
A dispel ability. This will be a bit...complicated. Is it meant to be self-targeting or other targeting? Self-targeting will be an easier and quicker cast (couple muttered words should be enough). It could be adapted to work on someone else, but the cast time would be lengthened (it would technically be a free-cast as well). It would be less effective on others. Powerful curses may be difficult to dispel, even on himself.

Other-targeting spells are more complicated. The length of the incantation/cast-time will effect how effective the actual dispel is - as well as its range. A stronger dispel will prevent him from moving while casting. He'll also need a way to specify the person he's targetting - a gesture at the end of the spell and maybe eye-contact as well.

Alternatively, if its not meant to be long range (requires touch) it'll be easier and more powerful. You may also want to consider using an object covered in sacred script for his spell (say, a knife which needs to pierce a target's skin to remove enchantments on them).

Is this a prayer to one of the tribe's Non-Wanderer Deities (or the Wanderer themselves), or just a spell?

Should cover it. Specify what sort of model you want the spell to be and we'll go from there.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Red Mage Black View Post
Whispers on the Wind - [Color] Elemental - (This spell is from the incarnation before.)-
Impending danger lurks in every corner. Wherever the wind blows, fast or slow, Nasir can get an idea of what is up ahead by focusing his will on listening to what the wind tells him is there. The lesser form gives him a small idea how many people there are, but not where they're located or how strong they are. Another form of this is eavesdropping on conversations, but the further away it is, the more garbled the words become.
Pick one effect. Eavesdropping or Number of People.

Oh, I noticed you haven't really discussed what, if any, training Nasir has. Obviously, he's a mage, and he probably has some martial training. Seems a bit more focused on magic than fighting, though. Am I right?

Secondary. None of these spells seem to reflect on his great two-year journey, as interesting as they are. I'd do some substitutions, since he'd probably have run into challenges that certainly merit magic over that time.

* * *

Backstory's actually pretty good this time. Few small points!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldurin View Post
They homeschooled her for the next two years until they were sure she wouldn't be a problem in the public, also during this time teaching her to fight with whatever she could reach or unarmed as a form of non-magical defense, before letting her go back into public schooling.

Her interests developed toward athletics and technology, partially intrigued about how both could work with well with magic, though she didn't shirk on practicing unarmed combat.
Magic takes a while to learn (like, at least a year, maybe two). So, this sort of education wouldn't make her a very advanced Wizard/Witch/whatever she is. A few months of basic martial arts instruction make her a beginner in that department too. Just wanna be clear, she won't be a great mage or fighter off the hop.

That said, I'll be classifying her competence in 'martial arts' as higher than her magical ability. Her current compliment of abilities is what she’s good at, spell design-wise.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldurin View Post
Shatter Strike, _ Elemental:
Naomi chooses a target to strike, cursing them so that projectiles aimed at them curve toward weak spots, and begins to prepare a projectile of raw force that she fires at the person, the projectile being guided by the curse. The curse wears off once the projectile hits something. Intended to be Grade 2.
This isn't quite workable. "Weak Spots" is an RPG concept - they really don't exist in Landry. There are areas of the human body which are more...vulnerable? Like the stomach, if you want to knock the wind out of someone, or maybe pressure points which are more tender spots of skin on someone's body, but these aren't really "Weak Spots" in RPG slang. They're areas you can attack (well, pressure points are pretty hard to strike in battle) for...other effects than a broken bone.

What I'm basically saying is that a Curse which makes projectiles more likely to hit weak spots isn't gonna work in Landry. Too complicated a concept. Making Shatter Strike a Grade 2 Seeking Spell to help it hit a target is possible. You'd probably need to make it Grade 3 to get it to target one specific weakspot on its victim - and it can't find weak points that you, the caster, don't know exist. I suppose if the spell only damages that one specific point on the target's body, you might get away with making it Grade 2.

Additionally, curses are not instant hit - they can be dodged more often than not.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldurin View Post
Surprise Strength, Yellow Elemental:
Naomi uses her magic to increase her experiments with human strength by briefly punching really hard. Strength Surge, Grade 1 power.
This is a Strength Surge which only works on her arms, then. Punching or lifting if she can do it fast enough. Using it makes her tired immediately after - it has a fair physical drain. A second use basically leaves her gasping for air, if it was done in quick succession. Will Drain is more mild.

Pretty basic, but if the drawbacks are fine, it’s an alright spell.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldurin View Post
Electronic Override, _ Elemental:
Naomi has learned to be able to use magic to turn on/off simple electronic devices without needing access to the key/lever/switch. Requires physical contact with the device in question.
Little limited, but thematically appropriate. When she uses this technique, a small spell circle will appear at the point of contact. Takes about a second to use - won't work well if Naomi isn't calm. If you wanna avoid her emotions screwing things up, make her say/whisper "On" or "Off" (in Latin, or in English with italics, to denote a different language) when she's directing the machine. Blue (well, technically green tinted blue) Elemental if it doesn't use the Incantation, Green if it does.

Bard suggests adaperio for "On" and adoperio for "Off" I think.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldurin View Post
Soothing Presence, _ Elemental:
When in a calm and clear state of mind, Naomi can generate a magical field that radiates calmness from her, in attempt to prevent potential fights and make people friendlier. Optimal effectiveness is within 10 feet of Naomi, rapidly decreasing in effect outside of that range.
Aura's too big. I don't like using exact measurements in these games. Best you'll get is short-range (like, a sword-length from her body), at grade 1, as an aura. The effect just calms emotions - how people react to it (become more/less friendly or more/less likely to fight) can't be dictated by this. Note that this spell makes Naomi's aura flare - the Awakened will know she's doing something. Strong emotions will be resistant and just dampened.

Really not sure what you plan to use this for. I don't recommend linking it to Naomi's emotions - which would be Old Magic - since a change in her emotional state could make the whole thing unworkable. Don't know if an Aura is the best vector. A touch-based spell might be more useful, but it’s your call.

Why'd she develop this spell? Were her friends getting into fights a lot?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldurin View Post
Regeneration Focus, _ Elemental:
Naomi clears her mind and focuses her magic into regenerating her wounds faster. She is unable to use other spells while in this state. Mostly seals minor wounds and stops bleeding for short term, but more serious wounds should get an actual doctor.
Alright, low-level regen spell, Modeshift style. Probably Yellow Elemental. Wizardry variant requires some Anatomy training which...I suppose she might have. It’s harder to learn though. I recommend the Yellow version.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Aldurin View Post
Fitness (Advanced if acceptable)
MMA
Computers
Meditation
Suppose these fit well enough.

Regarding Fitness. She seems to have a little anatomy training (at least two of her spells require some knowledge of the human body), but I don't think that's quite enough to advance to Advanced. She's certainly got an affinity for this club though, from the sounds of it. Will get high marks.

While Mixed Martial Arts and Meditation make sense with her powerset, they're basically opposed styles. She seems a little more...suited to Meditation (if she can deal with the Buddhist weirdness) between the two. Might want to consider swapping Veterinary for MMA, since she seems to have a bit of a medical bent to her.

* * *

Relm, after some thought, I have decided that Alice is acceptable. There will be some behind the scenes tweaks to her bio and relationships (this will be kept private) to make everything work, but as it is not something Alice herself would be aware of and they are also non-negotiable, I will not be informing you of all of them.

That said, you do need to make a few changes. 1) Alice's last name, and family name, is now Ex Niliho. Marshall or Healy can be aliases, if you insist on using them like that. The Null emblem is her family crest. Enjoy.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Relm Zephyrous View Post
Her typical outfit is a black plaid skirt with white stripes, a black beret, and a long sleeved and pocketed black shirt with various pictures of flowers and vines decorating it. Alice also usually wears a black cape, which has her crest on the back colored in white, leather gloves which also bear her crest within their palms, and that crest centered right where her stomach and chest meet. She also wears a white violet pin on her left breast. Sigil wards will adorn her uniform whenever at all pragmatic, usually hidden within this excessive outfit.
2) On her first day, Professor Shuyin (she was initially assigned to his homeroom) told her to go back to her dorm room and change. This outfit is not normal - lose the cape, gloves and the majority of the crests. Additionally, make sure she has more than one kind of shirt. Professor Silverstein, alias Madame Lala, would have continued this policy. If she shows up dressed outlandishly, she's sent back to her dorm. Chances are, her Club Directors will also follow suit.

Incidentally, she has a single dorm. Her transfer to Landry's class will come as a surprise - it happened recently, just before Halloween. She's only heard Shuyin and Lala complain about Landry before - really knows nothing about her. If she's looked for Landry, she's never found her.

Understand?

Update your profile accordingly, and I'll move onto your spells in my next review.

* * *

Inbred, this character isn't too bad. The biggest problem I'm seeing is basically his relationship with the Secret Agent in the backstory. Secret Agents are supposed to keep the identities a secret (hence: Secret Agent) not get hired to tutor a ten year-old. Its really a pretty implausible thing - ten year-old kid tells his rich business people parents he wants to be a Secret Agent when he grows up, so his parents buy him a Secret Agent? No.

This can work still. If the guy's an Actor who his parents hired to keep an eye on their kid and pretend to be a Secret Agent, maybe! Alternatively, you can probably scrap the tutor aspect of this entirely and make him a gun hobbyist who happens to watch a lot of Secret Agent movies, and has picked up some of the mannerisms from them. Might even have some martial arts in his background (MMA, is what I'd recommend).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Inbred Chocobo View Post
Clubs:
Archery (Does this handles guns? If it doesn't, make this a Gun club if possible) It does.
Meditation
Cultural
Social Club - Not a club
Archery covers guns, yes. Meditation is essentially Buddhism - means its really mystical. Doesn't do a lot of fighting early on, so, if you think your character would get annoyed at some weird chick talking about how "Distinctions are Illusions" and making you sit in one place for hours, you might want to pick a different club. Perhaps something with melee fighting tricks?

Social Club isn't a real club. Need a different one.

* * *

Quote:
Originally Posted by phil_ View Post
So I read this, and I read Jack's bio like Dracorion said, and it seems like Jack's foster parents Awakened him and taught him some magic. Like, straight from his bio plus the presumably reasonable assumption that "study[ing] … basics of magic around the same time," didn't involve private tutors or going to Hogwarts.

So, yeah, how does the modern witch or wizard or geomancer go about raising kids if letting them in on the Masquerade will get spooks following their kids to school, and why do the Carters get a handwave for teaching their demon-touched foster son to be a leaf blower? Some people have a tradition to maintain; is there some paperwork one can fill out at the local chapter of the Wizard's Association or what? Does it up membership dues?
Jack's backstory is really condensed. There's details that Drac and I worked out which aren't on the Wiki - Jack's black magic was behind how hard he was to adopt. It developed in a way that complimented his anti-social tendencies and basically was ruining his life. Awakening is one of the possible solutions to this situation. His parents were both magicians, so they elected to go that route. They could have sealed his powers instead, but it was easier for them this way/his Mom isn't entirely in the Magical Mainstream.

And yes, there is paperwork that can be filled out when bringing your child into the Masquerade. It is still technically against the rules. However, if you go through the proper channels, have sufficient reason to bring them in and take the proper precautions (Jack's dad worked in a Wizard's School as a teacher, so he would have been able to get some of the items they use to prevent young mages from using magic in public or without supervision) things usually turn out okay.

Well, sometimes they end with your kid dead, I guess. Not the point!

Quote:
Originally Posted by phil_ View Post
How do proprietary spells work in Laundry? Is there a Magic Patent Office where one can claim exclusivity on magic techniques against competitors, or is it the opposite, and no one can have private casting techniques to avoid any mage becoming too powerful?
There's no magical copyright. I suppose you could make a spell that can't be copied? It would be...interesting, though I'm not sure how viable or useful it'd be. Would depend on the specifics of the spell.

Some mages do have secret spells, but generally, these don't give them big advantages. The rules of magic are pretty air-tight for the Awakened - less so for Blacks and Whites, admittedly.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 07:00 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by Teal Mage View Post
Basic reminder, enchanted equipment requires a spell-slot. These are all mundane (colors don't shift unless he actually changes his clothes) unless otherwise noted.
The clothing and mask is mundane, I forgot to mention and yeah he has more then one set of clothes. The walking stick is how he channels at least one or more spells.

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Also what is his last naaaame!? D: Here is a list of Arabian last names to help.
Yeah, I'm not entirely great with last names either. Uh... Alfarsi is the only one I can see fitting, from that list at least.

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The Wanderer would be a bit more helpful with this trip than it’s implied here. Would probably at least direct him to individuals who could help him – members of the Witches’ guild, mostly. Trip might have been a little quicker too, especially if Nasir was using spells.

You don't strictly need to have him take two years to arrive either - its not impossible that his tribe has diplomatic relations with the Witch's Guild, and that connection could be used to get Nasir on a plane to Amaranth, or at least, shorten the trip substantially.
I actually hadn't thought of that.

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“Young man! You are two years late!”

And that was when he met Professor Landry.

That totally serious (and canon!) addition to your backstory done, everything looks good here. Grats, Nasir’s character and backstory is approved – spells come next. Gonna preface this stuff with the statement that the Wanderer’s Brand may leave your character in this game. To be clear: This is not a planned event. It is just distinctly possible. Therefore, I recommend that you not build entirely around it so you’re not completely screwed over in the event that happens. It might not! But I would prefer you not die because you assumed the Brand was permanent at Char. Gen.
I'll try to be careful.

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Ah, and as a reminder, Nasir has inherited the blessings of one of his tribe's other gods as God-Blood. What sort of purview do you want for it? Healing? Wind? He should still be able to use these techniques with the Brand, if he spent a bit of time adapting them.
At this point, Wind would probably work better.

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I don’t have a problem with this spell’s concept. I would like you to be more specific regarding what ‘Confusion’ should make the target do, though. Physical disorientation? Something more specific? Is this spell supposed to draw on the Wanderer’s Brand, or is this strictly Old Magic?
More along the lines of mental confusion and I figured at this point, it might work better as Old Magic. Considering the use of a tool.

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Finally. Someone who takes a defensive surge. Mechanically though, I need a little clarification on this effect. Does this create a barrier around Nasir reflexively, to protect him from physical attacks, actually harden his body to protect him from damage, or did you have a different mechanic in mind for this? The text suggests the goal of this spell may be to create a cushion-like effect around Nasir, to simply reduce damage, not actually stop it. Clarify?
When I was creating this spell, I wasn't sure if a 'perfect defense' was plausible. What I had in mind was a thin subtle barrier that worked like a kinetic barrier. So for physical attacks, yes.

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Will mention that a spell which only creates a protective effect around one part of his body will be far less expensive then a full-body-defense.
Well, I could suggest "choose upon casting", but that might need a higher grade. So, I'll say chest and abdomen for now.

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Is this an Illusion Spell, or Shapeshifting? Either way, would recommend a 'go-to' alter-ego form, which can be swapped to reflexively (or close to it). Free-Casting should cover the rest. Note that physical changes - Shapeshifting - will not include Gender Swapping with skin and hair colour changes. Illusions can, but they're, well, illusions. I don't think Nasir would be advanced enough for Glamour level stuff, so it would just be visual.
When I created this, I was debating illusion vs. shapeshifting. Seems like illusion is the better of them, so I'll see if I can come up with a good 'alter ego' illusion swap. It would probably be an amalgamation of what he had seen over the course of his trip.

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Single target technique. Sound vector. Probably pure Old Magic. Nasir can't move while reciting this spell, and needs to focus his attention on his target. Steadily reduces the target's physical strength, until Nasir stops speaking or moves. Should be Green Elemental. If you'd prefer a more single-combat style ability, there are alternatives.

An interesting spell. Name's a bit counter-intuitive too, since he's weakening a target, not condemning someone who is weak. Why would Nasir learn this particular technique?
I can't really think of why I chose the name. More that it just sounded good when I was thinking up the spell effect. As for why he would learn it? Well, as you can tell, he's not 'strong' in terms of physical strength and you can't expect a great journey to be without peril, could you?

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A dispel ability. This will be a bit...complicated. Is it meant to be self-targeting or other targeting? Self-targeting will be an easier and quicker cast (couple muttered words should be enough). It could be adapted to work on someone else, but the cast time would be lengthened (it would technically be a free-cast as well). It would be less effective on others. Powerful curses may be difficult to dispel, even on himself.

Other-targeting spells are more complicated. The length of the incantation/cast-time will effect how effective the actual dispel is - as well as its range. A stronger dispel will prevent him from moving while casting. He'll also need a way to specify the person he's targetting - a gesture at the end of the spell and maybe eye-contact as well.

Alternatively, if its not meant to be long range (requires touch) it'll be easier and more powerful. You may also want to consider using an object covered in sacred script for his spell (say, a knife which needs to pierce a target's skin to remove enchantments on them).

Is this a prayer to one of the tribe's Non-Wanderer Deities (or the Wanderer themselves), or just a spell?

Should cover it. Specify what sort of model you want the spell to be and we'll go from there.
Guess I'll answer in order. The spell is and I think it would work better as on other people. Yeah, touch might also work much better to that effect, as for the implement, just using the walking stick(ie.hitting them, pressing it against their skin,etc.). I was thinking it would fit as a Non-Wanderer type ability. Something used by the priests all-around in general.


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Pick one effect. Eavesdropping or Number of People.
Number of people works better.

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Oh, I noticed you haven't really discussed what, if any, training Nasir has. Obviously, he's a mage, and he probably has some martial training. Seems a bit more focused on magic than fighting, though. Am I right?
Yeah, while he was growing up, it was more priestly training and knowledge of the other Gods which made up their tribe.

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Secondary. None of these spells seem to reflect on his great two-year journey, as interesting as they are. I'd do some substitutions, since he'd probably have run into challenges that certainly merit magic over that time.
This is where I'm probably going to draw a blank. I was thinking the illusion and wind one would have worked well for that. I'll try to think of something.
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Unread 05-23-2012, 10:06 AM   #48
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Inbred, this character isn't too bad. The biggest problem I'm seeing is basically his relationship with the Secret Agent in the backstory. Secret Agents are supposed to keep the identities a secret (hence: Secret Agent) not get hired to tutor a ten year-old. Its really a pretty implausible thing - ten year-old kid tells his rich business people parents he wants to be a Secret Agent when he grows up, so his parents buy him a Secret Agent? No.

This can work still. If the guy's an Actor who his parents hired to keep an eye on their kid and pretend to be a Secret Agent, maybe! Alternatively, you can probably scrap the tutor aspect of this entirely and make him a gun hobbyist who happens to watch a lot of Secret Agent movies, and has picked up some of the mannerisms from them. Might even have some martial arts in his background (MMA, is what I'd recommend).
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Archery covers guns, yes. Meditation is essentially Buddhism - means its really mystical. Doesn't do a lot of fighting early on, so, if you think your character would get annoyed at some weird chick talking about how "Distinctions are Illusions" and making you sit in one place for hours, you might want to pick a different club. Perhaps something with melee fighting tricks?

Social Club isn't a real club. Need a different one.
I decided to go with instead multiple instructors that each teach him things something he needs, and his fandom of Secret Agent movies also plays into how he developed. I'm drawing a blank right now for any particular stand out instructors, but I can probably make some if you really need a couple. Also had martial arts training, so now he is in MMA/


For clubs, I went ahead and changed meditation to MMA, as for the final club, I went with Computer, but I was giving serious consideration to movie as well, but couldn't decide on the two. If you think Movie is a better fit (I see computer as him wanting to learn to hack his way through sophisticated security systems) then I can change that.
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Unread 05-25-2012, 12:25 PM   #49
Dracorion
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So, is the edupad down for anyone else?

Has someone been fucking with the time slider?
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Unread 05-25-2012, 11:23 PM   #50
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Default Here's the new version of Naomi's spells

Shatter Strike, _ Elemental:
Naomi charges up a projectile of raw force and fires it at the target. If the target is designated before firing, then the projectile will attempt to home in on it to increase the chance of actually hitting. Grade 2.

Surprise Strength, Yellow Elemental:
Naomi uses her magic to increase her experiments with human strength by briefly punching really hard. Strength Surge, Grade 1 power.

Electronic Override, Green/Blue Elemental:
Naomi has learned to be able to use magic to turn on/off simple electronic devices without needing access to the key/lever/switch. Requires physical contact with the device in question.

Regeneration Focus, Yellow Elemental:
Naomi clears her mind and focuses her magic into regenerating her wounds faster. She is unable to use other spells while in this state. Mostly seals minor wounds and stops bleeding for short term, but more serious wounds should get an actual doctor.

Dermal Steel
, Yellow Elemental:
Naomi uses magic to summon an invisible layer of energy over herself that reduces the force of attacks against her.

Last edited by Aldurin; 05-26-2012 at 01:38 AM.
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