That Movie Is Totally Not so Bad That It Physically Hurts You - Page 6

MicahIronheart · 05-31-2008, 12:44 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Satan's Onion

Also, Trail of the Pink Panther. Fuck you and rot in hell, you jumped-up clip show, along with every other Pink Panther movie without Peter Sellers.

As I recall the reason they did that is because Sellers died part of the way through. So rather than finish the movie without the main star, it became a sort of "In Memory Of" movie.

I do agree with the sentiment on the following ones, though. They were travesties, one and all.

Magus · 05-31-2008, 10:25 PM

The Fifth Element is the perfect example of developing a really imaginative, humorous future world, and getting Bruce Willis to star in it, and then failing to follow-up with any sort of interesting plot device, and adding in Chris Tucker, the most annoying man on Earth, as a cross-dressing pop singer. Add in a bunch of stuff that lacks any real detail (HOW IS THE GIRL THE FIFTH ELEMENT? WHAT DID THE BLUE SINGER ALIEN LADY HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT, ANYWAY? LOVE, TRUTH, JUSTICE, THE AMERICAN WAY? IS THAT REALLY A FEASIBLE WEAPON AGAINST SENTIENT ANTIMATTER?) etc. And the only good character was Bruce Willis. The part where he's smoking cigarettes that are 90% filter (yet another part of the wonderful planning they had done for the environment) was hilarious. Every other character was cheesy and annoying.

In the vein of "probably bad but not so bad that it physically hurts you (and is actually a cult favorite of mine)", I present Blind Fury, starring Rutger Hauer as a blind Vietnam-war vet who learns the use of the samurai sword from a really really really short Vietnamese villager after getting lost in the jungle. Fast forward twenty years, and he has to protect his war buddy's son from a mob of gangsters with superior sword skills. Despite pretty much every enemy having pistols, shotguns, or machine guns, and even grenades, Rutger Hauer is completely capable of killing every single one of them, in between attempting to drive a van for a hilarious ten minute chase sequence and accidentally biting on a large rock he thought was a piece of hard candy. Oh, and the villains FINALLY find someone else who can swordfight to fight him at the end at the ski lodge, so of course this leads to a long ten minute battle around an electrified hot tub. I won't ruin the ending, but let's just say it was BITTERSWEET.

Oh, and I forgot to mention: the movie has a scene where Rutger Hauer swings his sword at a guy he's threatening and perfectly removes the man's eyebrows, leaving them sitting on his sword blade before allowing them to drop softly to the man's desk. The man immediately gives Rutger Hauer the keys he's looking for, as all of us would in such a situation, I'm sure.

POS Industries · 05-31-2008, 10:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Magus

HOW IS THE GIRL THE FIFTH ELEMENT? WHAT DID THE BLUE SINGER ALIEN LADY HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT, ANYWAY?

Uh, dude....

This really should be obvious.

Gorefiend · 05-31-2008, 10:52 PM

What annoyed me on that movie (other than most everything you mentioned) was the popera scene (why the fuck did it have to become a pop scene, and her dancing was just... Gah!) and the part where the girl learns about War, which is supposed to be oh so meaningful. It just felt out of place. I actually liked most of the rest of the movie, and I have to agree about the setting being great.

For a regular pulpy action there's the latest Zatoichi. Not cause its bad, but there is SO MUCH GODDAMN BLOOD! Its ridiculous.

Magus · 05-31-2008, 10:57 PM

Well, I mean, I know what the fifth element is, I just don't know what the fifth element is, i.e. the movie did such a bad job of explaining the entire mythos behind the entire movie that it just didn't make any sense to me. I know for sure there was less than five minutes devoted to explaining it, i.e. the girl is the clone of one of the fat aliens. She is also the fifth element. I don't know what exactly the fifth element is, but she's the fifth element. Then she destroys the evil antimatter because, like, DUH, that's what the fifth element does. CREDITS ROLL.

Really I just think it was an excuse to show off Milla Jovovich's body without bothering to make her act (which is lucky as she is incapable of acting). So maybe this is actually a good movie?

EDIT: Oh, Mah-Ti, you little devil you, I should have known.

42PETUNIAS · 05-31-2008, 11:16 PM

Wait, there's a sci-fi fiction with Bruce Willis and Chris Tucker as a pop singer, and we're bothering to discuss why it sucks? That seems like a pretty huge waste of time.

Mirai Gen · 06-01-2008, 01:41 AM

Damn it POS beat me to it.

Quote:

Really I just think it was an excuse to show off Milla Jovovich's body without bothering to make her act (which is lucky as she is incapable of acting). So maybe this is actually a good movie?

Eh, Fifth Element wasn't that bad, and even more so it's pretty against the point of this thread to directly say it is.

Now this on the other hand is a perfect example of a movie that tried so hard yet while watching you felt immensely sorry for the entire cast, because they wanted to make a good movie so badly yet failed so utterly you cringe every time it plays.

And it even was another movie in the long line of "Millia Jovovich Fighting Against Multicolored Backgrounds And Taking Her Shirt Off Later" movies.

**Satan's Onion** · 06-01-2008, 03:32 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by MicahIronheart

As I recall the reason they did that is because Sellers died part of the way through. So rather than finish the movie without the main star, it became a sort of "In Memory Of" movie.

I do agree with the sentiment on the following ones, though. They were travesties, one and all.

Ah, but the thing is, Peter Sellers died before shooting even began. (According to that link there, he died in 1980; the film was released in 1982. In fact, it's a pretty good summary of the film's origins and history.) So Blake Edwards cobbled together a "Pink Panther" film from deleted scenes and outtakes, along with original footage which was all about following a reporter who was following Clouseau who was looking for the diamond all over again. Is he missing? Where is he? Why the fuck am I being asked to care, if I'm not seeing Peter Sellers on the screen except in scenes that I know for a goddamn fact are recycled from his previous films?

Krylo · 06-01-2008, 03:43 AM

I would leave this to play out its last couple posts before closing, but I'm pretty sure that only like... no people got the actual point of this thread. Or the last one.

And I hate you all.

Well, maybe Satan's Onion got it. That Pink Panther movie DOES sound pretty bad, despite high production values. Bad, not as in, "I don't like this movie," but bad as in, "The people who created this movie had absolutely no grasp on the rules of dramaturgy, but they made it anyway, and no one stopped them, and god why did they do that!?"

Don't make another thread unless you can define dramaturgy, and recognize movies that ignore it.

Given this thread and its predecessor, that really just means: Don't make another fuckin' thread like this.

05-31-2008, 10:25 PM	#52
Magus Archer and Armstrong vs. the World Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 7,164	The Fifth Element is the perfect example of developing a really imaginative, humorous future world, and getting Bruce Willis to star in it, and then failing to follow-up with any sort of interesting plot device, and adding in Chris Tucker, the most annoying man on Earth, as a cross-dressing pop singer. Add in a bunch of stuff that lacks any real detail (HOW IS THE GIRL THE FIFTH ELEMENT? WHAT DID THE BLUE SINGER ALIEN LADY HAVE TO DO WITH ANYTHING? WHAT IN THE WORLD IS THE FIFTH ELEMENT, ANYWAY? LOVE, TRUTH, JUSTICE, THE AMERICAN WAY? IS THAT REALLY A FEASIBLE WEAPON AGAINST SENTIENT ANTIMATTER?) etc. And the only good character was Bruce Willis. The part where he's smoking cigarettes that are 90% filter (yet another part of the wonderful planning they had done for the environment) was hilarious. Every other character was cheesy and annoying. In the vein of "probably bad but not so bad that it physically hurts you (and is actually a cult favorite of mine)", I present Blind Fury, starring Rutger Hauer as a blind Vietnam-war vet who learns the use of the samurai sword from a really really really short Vietnamese villager after getting lost in the jungle. Fast forward twenty years, and he has to protect his war buddy's son from a mob of gangsters with superior sword skills. Despite pretty much every enemy having pistols, shotguns, or machine guns, and even grenades, Rutger Hauer is completely capable of killing every single one of them, in between attempting to drive a van for a hilarious ten minute chase sequence and accidentally biting on a large rock he thought was a piece of hard candy. Oh, and the villains FINALLY find someone else who can swordfight to fight him at the end at the ski lodge, so of course this leads to a long ten minute battle around an electrified hot tub. I won't ruin the ending, but let's just say it was BITTERSWEET. Oh, and I forgot to mention: the movie has a scene where Rutger Hauer swings his sword at a guy he's threatening and perfectly removes the man's eyebrows, leaving them sitting on his sword blade before allowing them to drop softly to the man's desk. The man immediately gives Rutger Hauer the keys he's looking for, as all of us would in such a situation, I'm sure. __________________ The Valiant Review

05-31-2008, 10:52 PM	#54
Gorefiend That Guy Join Date: Sep 2004 Location: The city that doesn't sleep Posts: 1,039	What annoyed me on that movie (other than most everything you mentioned) was the popera scene (why the fuck did it have to become a pop scene, and her dancing was just... Gah!) and the part where the girl learns about War, which is supposed to be oh so meaningful. It just felt out of place. I actually liked most of the rest of the movie, and I have to agree about the setting being great. For a regular pulpy action there's the latest Zatoichi. Not cause its bad, but there is SO MUCH GODDAMN BLOOD! Its ridiculous. __________________ The world of truth has no certainty. The world of fact has no hope. "Environmental laws were not passed to protect our air and water... they were passed to get votes. Seasonal anti-smut campaigns are not conducted to rid our communities of moral rot... they are conducted to give an aura of saintliness to the office-seekers who demand them." - Frank Zappa, prelude to Joe's Garage Ever wonder THE TRUTH ABOUT BLACK HELICOPTERS?

05-31-2008, 10:57 PM	#55
Magus Archer and Armstrong vs. the World Join Date: Apr 2005 Location: Pennsylvania Posts: 7,164	Well, I mean, I know what the fifth element is, I just don't know what the fifth element is, i.e. the movie did such a bad job of explaining the entire mythos behind the entire movie that it just didn't make any sense to me. I know for sure there was less than five minutes devoted to explaining it, i.e. the girl is the clone of one of the fat aliens. She is also the fifth element. I don't know what exactly the fifth element is, but she's the fifth element. Then she destroys the evil antimatter because, like, DUH, that's what the fifth element does. CREDITS ROLL. Really I just think it was an excuse to show off Milla Jovovich's body without bothering to make her act (which is lucky as she is incapable of acting). So maybe this is actually a good movie? EDIT: Oh, Mah-Ti, you little devil you, I should have known. __________________ The Valiant Review Last edited by Magus; 05-31-2008 at 11:08 PM.

05-31-2008, 11:16 PM	#56
42PETUNIAS helloooo! Join Date: Oct 2006 Location: The Court Posts: 2,816	Wait, there's a sci-fi fiction with Bruce Willis and Chris Tucker as a pop singer, and we're bothering to discuss why it sucks? That seems like a pretty huge waste of time. __________________ noooo! why are you doing that?!

06-01-2008, 03:43 AM	#59
Krylo The Straightest Shota Join Date: Nov 2003 Location: It's a secret to everybody. Posts: 17,789	I would leave this to play out its last couple posts before closing, but I'm pretty sure that only like... no people got the actual point of this thread. Or the last one. And I hate you all. Well, maybe Satan's Onion got it. That Pink Panther movie DOES sound pretty bad, despite high production values. Bad, not as in, "I don't like this movie," but bad as in, "The people who created this movie had absolutely no grasp on the rules of dramaturgy, but they made it anyway, and no one stopped them, and god why did they do that!?" Don't make another thread unless you can define dramaturgy, and recognize movies that ignore it. Given this thread and its predecessor, that really just means: Don't make another fuckin' thread like this. __________________ I am very tired.