The Marvelous Misadventures of Asshat! [REBOOT]

[Flarecobra]

Well, I imagine both had something to do with it, seeing as he was in a different spot (Space) and sent to the past (time)

[Token]

Originally Posted by EckScizor

Is that supposed to be Palkia's portrait at the end or did you mean for it to be Dialga?

According to my notes and the script pre-reboot, Palkia is right. Dialga was only responsible for sending him back in time. I'd say more, but things will be made more clear in the next update. I'm honestly surprised that no one asked the big question after the first post in the old thread. I mean, I dropped a pretty big hint, and referenced it again somewhere around Goldenrod...

[Great Cartoonist]

I had considered, but chose not to on account of I want to let others figure it out.

Also, these new developments please me greatly.

[Ecks]

Ah, okay, that makes sense, in the "author's got a plan, just sit and wait for it to play out" kind of way.

Glad to see Asshat back in top form.

[Bard The 5th LW]

I like how calm Asshat seemed when Joey called. At least compared to earlier Joey calls. Perhaps he is slowly beginning to accept Joey as a force of nature, and unavoidable.

[Token]

I know I said I'd update a couple of days ago, but episode four is LONG. I've had it sitting on my photobucket for about a week now, and everytime I've sat down to try to write, it just hasn't worked. In all honesty, I've been having a lot of personal problems, and I haven't really been in the "funny" mood lately. I've consistently been able to write up to a certain point, but after that, I'm just... meh. Tonight, after about the sixth time I tried to finish this, I realized that right now anything I write wouldn't really be good, so I thought I should let you guys know. I'm not sure if I'm putting this on haitus again for a while until I snap out of my emoness, or if I'll just post smaller updates until I'm feeling myself again. Anyway, I didn't wanna just put it on hiatus without leaving you guys anything (again), so I thought I'd at least post the first chunk of episode 4. This is barely over a seventh of the whole episode, so at the very least I have a small buffer.


Wha...what? Mount Mortar? Where is that?

Maybe this jackass can shed some light on the situation.

Apparently not. Someone in this town is bound to know.

I'm not asking about some stupid dancing hookers, I'm asking about the goddamn geography! Is everyone in this region stupid?

I...what...WHY IN THE FUCK WOULD I LEARN TO DANCE LIKE THE KIMONO GIRLS? I SWEAR TO FUCK, ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHERE A FUCKING MOUNTAIN IS! WHY ARE ALL OF YOU FUCKERS SO FUCKTARDEDLY IGNORANT? NOW ANSWER MY QUESTION BEFORE I FEED YOU YOUR OWN GALL BLADDER.

Fuckfuckingdammit! If I go see these dancers will someone tell me what I need to know?

You would be amazed by the enormity of how little I care.

Congratulations. You're weak. Weren't you supposed to give me something?

So I get to destroy their win streak, I get information, and a gift? I suppose that's acceptable.

Although... If their Pokemon are so tough that his Rhydon can't even touch them... This might be tough.

yeah it's beautiful who cares battle me.

That is precisely what I was getting at. Jackass.

One Pokemon... and it's strong enough to continually take down a Rhydon... I'll send out Stupidhed to gauge it's strength. It doesn't matter if the bean gets knocked out.

What.

That beat a...it's level sevente...WHAT?

Clearly. What the fuck.

Okay. Maybe that was just a fluke. You've gotta be stronger than the last one.

You don't have a level seventeen, right? That'd just be depressing.

...

...

At least this one sort of put up a fight.

Maybe. Or maybe you're just weak.

That's fantastic. I suppose it would be useless to expect a tough fight...

But can Stupidhed take you down on it's own?

Well damn. That's pathetic.

You really didn't.

Meh. I did, but after your weakass sisters, I can't really be arsed.

Ugh. Fine then.

Of course...

...it's not like I'd actually need to put in any effort to kick your ass.

Well I'm actually about as tough as I look. I'm a twelve-ish kid. It's my pet murderbeasts that have the power.

Like hell you are. I bet you're just going to have another crappy Eevee evolution.

I mean geeze. Eevees. Stupidhed can take them out!

A Jolteon. Well that's just... ...unexpected.

Wait shit I meant "shocking." Ugh, mewdammit...

It's not so much that I'm good, as much as it is that your family is weak enough to be taken out by a fucking Chikorita. And Sayrune, I guess, although in all honesty, Stupidhed could have taken out the Flareon as well.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

I'm surfing to Sinnoh, catching Moltres, and flying back here to burn you fuckers down as soon as I get a chance. I could go to Kanto, I suppose, but I want to get as far away from here as I can. Besides, some "Red" asshole scared them all off, according to the 'Pedia.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

Gee, I sure hope this doesn't foreshadow anything.

I wonder what this nickname could mean.

Oh, it's about fucking time!

Okay, so what am I supposed to do here?

Anyone?

Anymon?

Any other mon?

No? Weird. Anyway, progress!

The town of the... Ninja? What? Isn't that Fuchsia? What the fuck?


Will our "hero" discover why Sinnoh's god of space-and-not-time-fuck-you-guys-I-totally-know-what-I'm-doing called him to Mount Mortar only to totally stand him up? Will he ever admit his burning love for all things Johto? And will he realize that he totally broke sequence and forgot to get Ecruteak's Gym Badge? Find out the answers ("Yes," "The only 'burning love' anyone has for Johto can be cured with penicillin," and "Yes, and he's gonna be pissed") next time on: THE MARVELOUS MISADVENTURES OF ASSHAT!

[Token]

Still in a bit of a funk, but I've found that this makes a good stress reliever. At the very least, it gets my mind off things for a while. Heads up, this update deviates from the games, is fairly dialouge/infodump heavy, and may or may not be completely retarded. Also, there are far more penis jokes than there should be.


Mahogany Town... I dunno why, but I think I'm forgetting something. Huh. Ah well, time to kick some ass at the Gym!

Or, better idea: you leave so I can fight.

That sounds fucking stupi- Hang on, an entire lake dedicated to rage? I... I may have found my home... BUT FIRST: Pokemart to stock up on items!

Sadly, there's no Pokemart. Just this totally not suspicious shop run by good people.

Dude, no, that's stupid. While you could probably get more for a Gyarados, raising them up takes too much effort. What you should do is sell Magikarp to newbie trainers in Pokemon Centers. The poor fuckers will totally fall for it.

I don't even

Right. "Incense." That's totally legit- what. There's an Oddish in there. I... I didn't know that's what people meant by "weed." I think you may be doing this wrong...

No shit. That couldn't possibly be because the only thing north of here is the goddamn lake, could it?

The phrase "stranger danger" comes to mind.

I totally just realized I want a Sandshrew. Dunno why, just do.

One KO'd it so fast I didn't even get a chance to see what it was. I should raise a team of these fuckers.

Oh, right. That's why I want a Sandshrew!

I'd imagine that RAGE is going on at the Lake of Rage.

...I'm heading North from Mahogany Town! Where the fuck else would I be going?

Woah! I am not that kind of guy!

I don't just play with someone when I don't even know them!

Especially when they have a crappy Clefairy.

Hey, you totally wanted it.

This acronym made sense at the time. Now I don't remember what it meant.

Well that just rocks.

How underwhelming. I was expecting a lake made out of blood and fire. Maybe a giant crimson satanic dragon or something.

Well it's the Lake of Rage. You wouldn't expect them to be going around hugging Skitty, would you?

They're always angry, you colossal fucktard!

Huh. At least I saw something I wanted. I'm totally catching that motherfucker! I'll just have Sayrune Surf out there and... fuck.

Fucking fuck of a fucking fuck fucker. I forgot to get Ecruteak's badge! I can't surf yet!

Rockets? What's up? Pissing off Johto douchebags?

The what? Clearly you aren't aware of our arrangement. You don't fuck with me, and I refrain from kicking all of your asses.Hey, get out of my wallet!

What.

What.

What.

What.

WHAT.

I am going to acquire Ecruteak's badge. And THEN, I am coming back here, beating the everloving shit out of you, and feeding you to a fucking Rattata! Not even a decent wild one, no that'd be too fucking GOOD for you. I will fucking feed you to JOEY'S GODDAMN MOTHER FUCKING RATTATA. It will require me to breifly put up with him, but that's the only way to make sure your death will be even a tenth of how fucking demeaning and painful it should be. After I've disposed of you, I'm taking down your entire organization. The reason I'm telling you this is because I am slightly merciful. Alert your leader. Warn him that I am coming, and that I will utterly ruin. His. Shit.

Ugh. I know I have to get through this cave to get back to Ecruteak, but it just pisses me off. What in the seven hells did that pink thing pop into my mind for? And why did it tell me to come here in the first place. Maybe I'm just crazy...

Woah, shit! These things... they always give me a headache. What is that about?

Ugh... okay... that was a bad idea. This is really bad...

Feels like I might... pass... out...
...


...


...

Hm. Might have been a little too soon. Might as well make the most of it.

...

...

I should do this subtly and carefully. Don't want to break the poor mortal's mind.

...

...

HEY JACKASS, WAKE UP.


Ugh.. Where am I?

Well it's about time.


What? Who said that?

That'd be me.

Wh... What the fuck?

OI! You watch your fucking mouth! You're talking to Palkia, the God of Space here! Show a little fucking respect!

You're a god? Always figured a deity could make itself not look like a giant walking penis.

You really aren't a smart one, are you? That much should have been obvious, really. I mean, you did ask to come here.

I what? Listen Alien Penis God, you aren't making any sense at all.

Not a god FROM space, the god OF space. And besides, this should be obvious. You weren't from here, you wanted to be here, and somehow your dumb ass summoned me. One rip in space-time later, and you were here.

Hang on, I wanted to go to Johto? And you let me? Have I wronged you in some way?

Well, you didn't want to be in Johto specifically, just the Pokemon world. Personally, I wanted to send you to Hoenn, but my sibling wasn't aware of that. You should count yourself lucky you even arrived in one piece, dimensional teleportation is a bitch. My father didn't delegate well, so any teleportation through dimensions has to be a joint effort between myself and Giratina.

One piece? I have no memory, no name, and I had to leave all the companions I've ever known in an alternate future because I got shoved back in time!

Oh, yeah. That was my bad. Dialga doesn't like it when we leave him out of things like this, so he got pissy and sent you back. As for your teammates... Well, that could have been handled better.

Ugh. Fine. So, what do I have to do to go back to my original dimension?

What? You want to go back? After we went to all that trouble?

Yeah, that'd be fan-fucking-tastic. You have no idea how much I hate Johto.

You ungrateful little shit... Fine. You can go back, on one condition.

Which is?

Defeat the strongest trainer in the land. Prove that you were worth our time.

That's it? I don't have to use a team of Rattata or sing you a pretty little song while I do it?

You're antagonizing a god when he's being merciful. You really are fucktarded. Good idea though.Should be entertaining. Defeat the strongest trainer in the land, while singing. Prove that you were worth our time.

Wait what. I was kidding! You can't possibly expect me to...

You heard me. Get on that. Now, get the fuck out of my realm. Maybe if you're lucky I'll explain everything else to you later.

...

...

...

Oh, no fucking way. Not again! No! Hang on... I actually have a couple of Pokeballs with me...

Huh. Well, that's rad. Maybe Palkia isn't a complete douche.

Of course, now I gotta get my ass back to Eckruteak.

Okay. He's definitely not a complete douche. He just put my Pokemon from this timeline in the PC.

I'm actually pretty glad to have Terry back. I was pretty attached to the little fucker. Now for real, back to Ecruteak!

Goddammit. You.

You know there is no way in hell you're ever going to win, right?

Fine. Let's go!

Fucking told you. Never call me again.

FINALLY. Eckruteak!

This shouldn't be too tough.

Good question. Let's find out.

Ping? Do I have to fight Pong next?

Well, what do you know, I can damage them. Bitch. Now to take one step forward.

What.

Dammit! Motherfucking warp tiles! Okay. Let's think rationally here. There has to be a way to get to the leader, which means there's a path I have to follow...

Aha! I thought so!

No, I think I got it now.

I just have to move so that I walk towards the next trainer, not the leader. Pretty simple, really. I doubt there was ever a single eight year old who was stumped by this for days until he gave up and looked online, introducing him to the internet, and a world of rumors, mysterious gardens, and Pokeballs under trucks. Nope, that would just be depressing and pathetic. Ahem, sorry. Rambled a bit. BATTLE.

What, was "Skinny Grace" taken?

Yes, I just made fun of you. Get over it.

You know, I'm having trouble explaining through words just how little I care.

Fantastic. Another crappy Ghost type I'll defeat in one hit.

But mostly losses.

There are many theories. Some say it came from an autistic Japanese kid with a fetish for bug catching. Others say gods did it. I met one of them, but my personal belief is that they were created solely to annoy me.

Bullshit.

So, I meant to ask Grace, but what the fuck is coming out of your head? I've seen Ghost Pokemon, they don't look like that.

I, I, I noticed. I take it you aren't going to answer my question?

Leader time!

You're welcome. Good of you to have picked such an easy type to beat.

Understandable. This is Johto, it's full of stupid customs.

I've seen two of them. I think they just come to people who they want to piss off.

Very secretly. I imagine that's why you train in the giant building with "Gym" on the front of it, and tell your story to any twelve year old who walks in here.

Bugsy said the same thing. That was because of the giant fucking mushroom he was getting high off of.

Wait what? Oh my fuck where are your hands?

But... doing that is supposed to make your vision worse!

Dammit, if we're going to battle, get your goddamn hands out of your pants!

Okay, that's a start. Now the other one, please?

I think what I love about Ghost types is how easy they are to beat.

Speaking of "beating," will you please stop masturbating?

At the very least, could you stop grunting?

Okay, really, that's fucking disgusting.

And really distracting...

Okay, really, I can't focus on the battle like this.

Seriously. Stop.

STOP MASTURBATING!

You're fucking drowning out my commands with your moans!

Pohatu, use...

I couldn't hate you any more if I tried.

Dammit...

Damn. Well, at least I still have Chikorita... who am I kidding.

Dammit. Are you done yet? Wait, what are you... no put it back in your pants...

GODDAMMIT ALL OVER MY CLOTHES

That was... quite possibly the most mortifying visit to the Pokemon Center ever.

Gonna stock up on Awakenings, just in case.

REMATCH!
TokenASSHAT VS STONED GHOST WANKER!

Okay, Pohatu, you got this! He doesn't have the stamina to go again for a while, we should be able to finish him off this time!

HA-HA! What now?

And again!

I never thought I'd say this, but THANK ARCEUS FOR THE REFRACTORY PERIOD!

I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE STATE OF YOUR PENIS YOU PERVERTED PILE OF SHIT.

Wash it first.

Doo-doo-doo-doo!

West si-ye-eed! I really hate myself sometimes.

Wait, a bit of Johto's history has burned down? That's... beautiful!


Oh, fuck dammit.

...

Were you expecting Team Snagem?

Wait, there are legendary Pokemon here?

Okay. That's fine.

You are?

Cool story, bro.

I'm a wimp now?

I mean geeze dude, you're so pathetic you don't even qualify for Boss Subtitles anymore. A wild Pokemon has qualified for Boss Subtitles.

I am so fucking tired of Ghosts you have no idea

I guess it wasn't really fair to expect Terry to beat it by himself. Poor guy hasn't even been POWERLEVELed yet.

Now, Kittan, on the otherhand...

...is nowhere near that suicidal.

Much better.

Dick move, Dicktoe.

Here we go.

Don't even need to switch for this fucker.

Are you shitting me? I just raped you so hard your STDs are crying!

You know I'm right.

And you would? Bitch please.

Crappy move, but all I got rid of was Tackle, so it's all good.

Besides, now he got dat Boom Boom Pow.

Hey, I'm just trying to see if there are legendary Pokemon here! There's no need to be such a...

...

...

...it's just too obvious, but I have to.

Should I make an STD joke, or a flaccid joke...

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF

UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU

CCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCC

KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!

WHY? WHAT THE FUCK DOES IT TAKE?

JUST STOP IT!

DON'T CALL ME!

DAMMIT.

THIS. I'LL JUMP DOWN THIS HOLE. WITH ANY LUCK, I'LL DIE.

Allons-y!

Well, I didn't die, but I did somehow land crotch first. I don't think the pain's caught up to me yet, but I imagine it will be agonizing.

Holy shit those are...

I don't honestly know. Cats?

Dogs?

Gerbils?

Oh my fucking god they're moving!

Oh shi-

Uh...

I think I just released three giant fucking gerbils unto an unsuspecting public.

So, where to next? I did promise to beat the everloving shit out of the Rockets in Mahogany, and I want to get that crazy ass red Gyarados, but I should probably go to Olivine and Cianwood at some point. Suggestions?

[Grimpond]

Red Gyarados. DO EEET

[Flarecobra]

Head to Olivine. Be interesting to see what he does when he gets to the Miltank farm.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

And thus Asshat damned the world.