Return of Let's Play FF6: The Bride of Let's Play FF6

[Fenris]

Is this hizzle ever gonna go forth?

[Kerensky287]

Okay, just one thing before we start: I had a bunch of chances to do this earlier and just didn't. I totally dropped the ball and I'm sorry. Blame FF12, actually. Balthier is super badass. In fact I throw in my vote for Blthir for Setzer.

EDIT FOR THE POST 5 MINUTES BEFORE MINE: Yes, this hizzizzle will hazzizzle. Fo shizzle.

ANYWAY, LET'S GET STARTED. No more procrastinating. Here comes the longest Let's Play FF6 ever!



Hey, look! A pub! Let's go get SMASHED in a good, family-friendly way!



...There appears to be a ninja blocking my path.



And he's ignoring me.







"SLIT HIS MOTHER'S THROAT FOR A NICKEL BUT WOULDN'T KILL HIS BEST FRIEND AT ALL FOR ANY PRICE" you goddamned stupid GBA version.



Yeah. You'll bring down my wrath or something.



But wait! PUPPY!



He's totally just saying that because he's jealous that the dog's getting more attention than him.



An old man stops us to tell us somebody looks like someone else he knows. Who the hell is Duncan?

Screw this town, it's stupid.



But this fellow won't let us through. I guess it's part of the town's defense system; the roads are too small for robots to fit through, and THIS GUY WON'T FREAKIN' MOVE.

Whatever. Let's just go the other way.



Woohoo nondescript cabin in the wilderness. Let's break in!



"...Smells like.... him...?"



"Tasted like ass, too. Something wrong with the man."



I'm thinking probably. Follow your nose, kiddies.



Oh crap! Some guy caught us breaking in! Play it cool, chat him up a bit.



"He, ahem, didn't appear to be inside and I swear the door was locked and the window was broken when we showed up PLEASE DON'T CALL THE POLICE PLEASE."



"Figured I'd head over here and see if his house had any valuables, but I can't go in because it smells like horrible B.O."

Who the hell is Duncan and why does everybody know him?



I bet Vargas was killed too. Duncan was obviously a member of some sort of mafia. Figaro... sounds Italian! It fits!

And so the man leaves.



Gonna steal AHNULD's vegetables too because you never know when you're gonna need the vitamins.



So I guess we're heading to the generic mountain range that the mob boss was killed at?



EDIT: So I guess we're heading to the [del]generic mountain range[/del] Mt Kolts where the mob boss was killed at?

***SCENE MISSING***



"Well guys, that was QUITE an eventful trek through the mountains!"
"I can't believe it! I found out who my real father was!"
"I found true love!"
"And I discovered the true meaning of Presidents' Day!"

Who's that mysterious furry figure to the right?



Correction, that PARANOID AS HELL furry figure?

Creepy furries.

Also, I guess Vargas is not only alive but perverted. Though it doesn't answer my question of how they know his name already.



"DO NOT QUESTION MY HOBBY!!!"



He's a creepy goddamn FURRY, Cocke. Stay away before he yiffs you to death.



Eunuch changes the subject, afraid to give Furryman any ideas.



"The one whispering about his precious!"







...It WILL be the last day of your lives? So, he hasn't met us yet, but WHEN HE DOES... we will RUE the day!



Holy shit! Furryman Vargas has furry allies! Not only that, but Apple licensed furry products!

iPooh. The next generation of silly old bear.



Eunuch's learned a few new tricks by the way.



Remember this?

Yeah! Turns out Eunuch's got talents other than his disturbingly high vocal range!



The robot bears die and Cocke decides to check the creepy paranoid fellow's pockets. Damn, is Vargas ever tall!





Eunuch: "I could ask you the same question, Vargas. YOU'RE LOOKING A LITTLE GREEN."







Oh goddammit, what's up with all these in-battle cutscenes?



Gasp and surprise! It's the fellow whose house we broke into!





WHAT A PLOT TWIST!





WHAT A SECOND PLOT TWIST!



Our master? AHNULD WAS IN THE MAFIA HOLY CRAP A THIRD PLOT TWIST!









I'm thinking that AHNULD actually has more potential than Vargas considering that Vargas is about ten seconds from being shot in the face. Also AHNULD can level up.



Finally someone has some sense in this world! Vargas agrees!



....Everybody is an idiot in this picture.



Oh no! A vaguely elemental-sounding attack!



Ah, but see, it's a trick! While everybody braces for hail or something, they instead get shot with laser beams! An underhanded, yet devastating technique!



It wipes out our whole party except for AHNULD, who deflected the laser beams with his biceps! What a trooper!









That timer above AHNULD's head is a death countdown. It starts at 60, and once it hits 0 (assuming he's still in the battle) he dies instantly! Oh the horror!



This is a blitz technique. You hit blitz, then press a series of directions almost fighting game style, and AHNULD does an attack that tends to rock peoples' worlds.



See?



AHNULD: "You are... TERMINATED"



The party finally walks back after being pushed offscreen by lasers.



Eunuch: "AHNULD! My brother! Let us go see BEEG AMERICAN TEE TEES"

AHNULD: "Ahaha! Always putting my interests above your own!"



Eunuch: "...That was a low blow."





"BECAUSE YOU SMELLED LIKE POOH OLOLOLOLOL"



Bitch: "You really shouldn't."



I could ask him the same question, actually. Except it was the only way I was allowed to go.



...Why the hell wasn't I informed?



Oh.

Wait, why does he know where that is? Oh, right, his mafia connections.





Eunuch lacks balls only in the literal sense.



"The number one threat to national security!"





The Godfather would truly be pleased.



Stat update.



And so we reach the next nondescript crack in the mountain range.



Ever notice how every cave in the game looks exactly the same from the outside?

Until, of course, you go in... and then...!



YAAY



Wait, a guard that recognizes me on sight? Damn, these guys are good! We need to replace the fellows at Figaro Castle!

Guard: "Hey, aren't you Basch? You're supposed to be dead!!"
Pizza Man: "...Are you gonna pay for this or what?"



Who's this mysterious figure?



None other than the leader of the Returners!

...It's too bad he bears no resemblance to the leader of AVALANCHE.



"I hear there was lightning involved."



Painful memories come rushing back. "Why the HELL couldn't I skip that text?!"







"...anything special! We can ALL do that! Imperial soldiers are SO USELESS!"



Cocke loves to call her by her name because he appreciates the irony in making a caring gesture seem like a coldhearted insult.



"We need to deal with this matter! What are you, senile?!"



"I am TOTALLY fucking senile!"





Banon proves it by retelling the beginning of the Pandora's Box story for no reason, and then leaving the rest open to interpretation.



Don't worry, Bitch. We're all as weirded out as you are.





Bitch: "But it's 3PM."
Banon: "I'M AN OLD MAN. DID I NOT MAKE THIS CLEAR TO YOU?!"

Later that night...



"Cocke? Come back to bed, dear."



"No."



"I've since developped a... fetish, if you will, for women who look exactly like her."





Cocke: "I finally fulfilled their only membership requirement: a distinct sexual uniqueness."
Bitch: "Oh. Well, what about your name?"
Cocke: "My parents were in the Returners, too."
Bitch: "...You don't say."
Cocke: "It's too bad Vargas died. He would've fit right in with us."



She gets bored and leaves.



This is where I have to talk to everyone in the goddamned hideout.







"Beeg American Tee Tees! Gawd, that was PRICELESS!"







"We're not forcing our ideas on you, we're just holding you here against your will and putting you on the spot with a decision that will decide the future of our group."

These people SUCK.



Anything could be better than those people.



I have a choice?!



The obvious answer!



"Can I leave now?"

...See, they won't actually let you do anything until you answer yes.



We grudgingly accept.





"You guys are CREEPY."



"...Umm, no thanks. It's nice, but I'm good. Thanks."





These guys are PUSHY.

This is a bit of an edit, seeing as how the full thing is beyond the post text limit.

"The text that you have entered is too long (25215 characters). Please shorten it to 20000 characters."

I hope the mods don't mind if I double-post...

[Kerensky287]

I never knew there was a text limit... oh well, Qui sera sera or however you spell it.

Banon calls a meeting because he now has the leverage to make Bitch do damn near anything he wants. So... plot development time.













That would explain the lightning bolts kinda! Maybe!







A war? Possibly a war that covers the... entire world? Madness!



"A Second World War, if you will?"

Because that would make the Returners the French Resistance.







So Fire Beam is really... Ifrit Goo?



"An arms race, if you will. Basically a war with little to no fighting between the people directly involved. A Cold War, if you will."



"Communication is the best way to solve problems, especially if it's communication with somebody who will f**k up your enemy in like two seconds flat!"





"I mean, last time there was no talking involved. The thing just SHOT LIGHTNING AT HER. Nearly killed her."



Ohoho, so THIS is what it all led up to! That devious bastard!



"I don't have much of a choice, do I?"



"Lightning? Badass!"





Oh. A dead guy.



Okay, a nearly dead guy.



"Th-they've learned... to... just go straight forward.... a-and they'll eventually find what they need..."







"Keep the covers warm."



"What the hell! You pervert!"

Locke exits stage right. Meaning our left. So he goes that way. <--
Shut up, it's complicated.







I don't think you'll have time to build a wooden raft before the Imperials arrive.



...Oh. I guess you do.



Here's hoping it's seaworthy.





Banon's got the Pray ability, which heals everyone for a substantial amount of health.



If he can get one off every battle, we're practically invincible.

Wait a second...













So now Pray will be the top command, therefore Banon's default command, meaning he'll use it every time if I just hold A like I normally do. I already did it with Eunuch, so he uses Autocrossbow constantly.

My team is now unstoppable. Let's face the waves!



Hey, a fork in the stream! It acts like we have a choice, but nobody's got a paddle. Also I'm still holding the A button.





We've been getting into combats like every 5 seconds on this river. It's annoying, but also not threatening at all. We gain experience, too.



...This place seems familiar. Oh well, up again!







OH GAWD I'M TRAPPED!

My controls are disabled! Autofire A is on! It's stuck on turbo! They'll be stuck going around in circles until I can find a solution!

Will we EVER find a way to escape?!



Find out next time!

[Fenris]

That's one of the oldest tricks in the book.

you also forgot to get the Genji Glove by saying No to Banon 3 times.

[Daimo Mac, The Blue Light of Hope]

My Vote is Blther for Setzer. My god that man is made of sex and awesome.

[Kerensky287]

Originally Posted by FenrisWolf

you also forgot to get the Genji Glove by saying No to Banon 3 times.

WHAT HOLY FUCK I DIDN'T KNOW THAT

....

Okay, NORMALLY I would go back and do it again. But I've already left the game on for an entire day. My characters are now Level 49.

I should've used a walkthrough... except that I don't really care about getting each and every individual thing.

...Maybe I'll use gameshark cheats or something by the end anyway to make the fight that much more epic.

[Amake]

I thought everyone knew the Deny Him Three Times gambit. It's got to be said, a Gauntlet is pretty much the worst relic and Genji Glove is in the top five. . .

Not that you need any items at all if you level up to 50 or so. Actually, having the best stuff makes the final battles a lot less epic since you kill everything in one attack.

By the by, I hope you know what you're giving up by power leveling at the raft; The Esper level up stat bonuses.

[Kerensky287]

Originally Posted by Invisible Queen

By the by, I hope you know what you're giving up by power leveling at the raft; The Esper level up stat bonuses.

I did know about that one. It's just that I never really used them all that much, and I'd rather make the game really easy for myself now for ease of storytelling.

Also, it just seems funnier that they're trapped endlessly going around in circles until one of them barfs.

...Plus, I figure that I've still got plenty of time before the final battles, so I'll still level up a few times before then. ESPECIALLY Cocke, who I might remind you is still like, level 9.

[Regulus Tera]

I better see some tentacle rape jokes next time I come around here, you Kerensjerk.

[01d55]

Am I the only one who's noticed that people are wearing sunglasses on the raft?