Taking the high road

[CelesJessa]

So recently I've been having a bit of a spat with my grandmother. Not to get too detail heavy, but pretty much, my grandmother is... not a pleasant individual. There are many things from the past that make our family not a big fan of her (abused(physically and emotionally) my dad as a kid, barely showed an ounce of caring when my brother got cancer, didn't even bother coming to either of my brother's weddings even when the means to go were completely supplied, the list is a long one...).

Despite all of that I was trying to take the higher road and possibly give her another chance, considering she's getting pretty old, and I guess I thought I could maybe pretend I had a grandma who liked me, so I started trying to do little things to try and mend the gaping hole that is between my grandma and myself but my kind gesture was repaid with more hurtful comments and guilt trips and whathave you.

And she does this kind of thing all the time, she's constantly putting my dad down, has basically all but said that my brothers and I don't matter as much as her grandchildren who live nearby(what kind of grandmother tries to steal your toys when you were little to give to your cousins who she likes better?), and in general is a very unpleasant person.

Now, part of me knows it's best to take the high road and be the better person by not fighting back, but on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat either. I think I'm generally a pretty level-headed and easy-to-get-along-with person and I don't like to pick pointless battles, and I know saying something would just cause more drama and problems, but is it okay to let people get away with everything just because you're the "better person"?

So any insight? Or any experiences you guys have with standing up for youself or "taking the high road"? I didn't want to get all dramatic and start up the whole life-advice-you-really-should-be-asking-someone-else thing, but I thought it could be an interesting topic to hear how other people have dealt with perhaps similar problems.

In other news, if you have a good grandma, go give her a hug for me.

[pochercoaster]

Well, for sure I can say that it would be unwise to expect her to change her behaviour. You can continue to do kind things for her but it's going to be met with the same response. Even if you openly tried to explain your opinion on the situation it doesn't sound like it would do much- lifelong abusers are... well, lifelong abusers.

Having never met your grandmother I can't say any of this for sure, but it would probably be wise to be careful with how you invest your emotions in her, as attempts to "win her over" are just going to cause you pain. A relationship needs effort from both people in order to be mended. Is she showing any signs of changing her mind?

I've emotionally withdrawn from some of my family members because they were abusive and parasitic and- most importantly- displayed no signs of even wanting to mend our relationship. That's not to say I hate them- I simply just maintain a safe distance from them.

It's very difficult to make these sorts of decisions when it comes to family because you are expected to look after your own blood. Like, if you had an abusive boyfriend or friend it would be more acceptable to break ties with them. There's a reason you're expected to look after your family, of course, but just remember that because she's related to you doesn't mean you have to like her. You have to accept her for who she is- pretending she's someone else is just going to delay the inevitable realization that she's an irritable old lady.

[Eldezar]

Originally Posted by CelesJessa

Now, part of me knows it's best to take the high road and be the better person by not fighting back, but on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat either. I think I'm generally a pretty level-headed and easy-to-get-along-with person and I don't like to pick pointless battles, and I know saying something would just cause more drama and problems, but is it okay to let people get away with everything just because you're the "better person"?

You should never let anybody walk all over you, especially family. I let some of my family members do that growing up. I was lucky enough to realize early that I was in control of my own life, and I didn't need this person to be in it, no matter how we were related. This person has not ruined my life, but because of her I am not as far in life as I could be. Ever since I have been standing up to her and keeping her out of my life, things have been great.

I actually never 'take the high road' with people that I have to interact with frequently. It just means that they think they can push you around without you fighting back. If I don't know the person, and I interact with them very little or not at all otherwise, then I'll let things go, and let them have their self-titled superiority. It just doesn't matter, cuz that person doesn't affect my life.

And finally, you can't change people, only they can change themselves. It is also extremely hard for people to change, so it is unlikely your relationship will ever improve with your gramma. Maybe she is the type that when you start fighting back, she'll start respecting you more, though don't count on it. Just stick up to her and encourage others to do the same, and especially watch if she abuses or neglects any other children that are around her.

Originally Posted by pocheros

It's very difficult to make these sorts of decisions when it comes to family because you are expected to look after your own blood. Like, if you had an abusive boyfriend or friend it would be more acceptable to break ties with them. There's a reason your expected to look after your family, of course, but just remember that because she's related to you doesn't mean you have to like her. You have to accept her for who she is- pretending she's someone else is just going to cause you more pain down the road.

This is something I actually personally discourage. I could go into the whole 'we are all related somewhere' bit, but that one's kind of annoying. What I say is things like, your family member is a serial killer/rapist/makes shoes out of babies, so would you still stick up for them? Sure that is drastic, but I say the same thing still applies. I would not support a stranger who abuses people, and I will not support family that do it either. People are still people, regardless of relation.

[phil_]

I wouldn't normally offer any help here, but liquid courage is a funny thing.

Not to get into too much detail, I have a certain familial relationship that requires me to ignore and avoid certain facts. From this experience, I would recommend either cutting off unnecessary contact with grandma or, since you don't seem the type to do that, trying to ignore unpleasant facts concerning your past with your grandma when you have to interact with her. I know it's not the best way of doing things, and she may be an unpleasant person, but it's good to keep touch with your family, even if they're people you would never want to become. You only have one family, you know?

[pochercoaster]

Originally Posted by Eldezar

This is something I actually personally discourage. I could go into the whole 'we are all related somewhere' bit, but that one's kind of annoying. What I say is things like, your family member is a serial killer/rapist/makes shoes out of babies, so would you still stick up for them? Sure that is drastic, but I say the same thing still applies. I would not support a stranger who abuses people, and I will not support family that do it either. People are still people, regardless of relation.

No, I'm saying the opposite. I'm saying that you should not let someone's character be clouded by the fact that you're related to them. I'm saying what you're saying. ^^; I actually have put up with a lot of people immediately disliking me because I chose not to relate to my family, when they don't know half the story.

Simply put, society expects you to be born into a perfect happy non-dysfunctional family, which is rarely the case, and if you decide to break those ties you're deemed unloyal or something. Which is stupid.

(I apologize for the poor wording- I'm in a bit of a brain fog.)

[Bells]

How much do you HAVE to interact with her? Because, i'll be honest... if you don't, then don't.

In the end of the day, they only thing you can really look back to is family. Sure. But respect and admiration are not "free gifts", those are earned medals. And the people who earned them deserve your respect and admiration and friendship and love. those who you don't know very well, still, deserve your respect (at the very least), but those that you know well and just don't deserve it in your eyes... well... they don't.

I don't pretend that Human relations are like binary calculations that you can relate with simply values of "true or false". But you shouldn't feel an obligation towards someone who simply doesn't give a shit on how much effort you put into it.

And on that regard... it doesn't really matter -who- they are.

Let me share a personal tidbit... my Grandmother. Her and i, we get along just fine (she lives me and my family). But sometimes she acts... well... like a child. Let me elaborate...

She is kinda of a Hypochondriac, just for starters, and since my Grandpa passed away (many years ago) she sometimes goes off on little stupid rants of the "i wish i was dead already" and such... she also is afraid of eating (well) because she thinks it will attack her stomach (she has gastric problems so she has to have a very controlled diet). She's also stuck on the "old ways" as in... "i know as much as a doctor" way.

So, from time to time i have around the house a 70'year old who eats like a teenager trying to loose weight for the prom, who is always doing housework, who keeps going to the doctor to find the reason for her problems but never follows the doctor's instructions on how to SOLVE the very problems she actually finds.

Sadly, i never developed the temper to deal with such a combination which ends up with me talking to her like she -was- a spoiled teenager trying to get attention. To the point where once she was complaining that her stomach was aching so much i actually grabbed a piece of bread and didn't stop until she agreed to eat it... she was hungry and didn't notice, thinking it was some illness...

I was sort of lucky in that regard because she ended up seeing that even though i might be blunt and harsh (and i do get like that with this sort of thing) i was actually looking out for her (even when i went as far as say stuff like "Then get over it or keep it to yourself" when she was complaining about how "Miserable" her life was and how she wished she was "just dead" ) it's a weird relationship, but i do love my Grandma, and she loves and respects me because she knows "why" i act like that with her sometimes...

So, what i can say to you... is that you don't have to be a doormat at all, but you also don't have to pretend to have a relationship with her that she doesn't even try to make real. Regardless of what other people think...

[bluestarultor]

Awww, CJ! You can share my grandparents, who are totally awesome and would welcome you with open arms.

As for my objective advice, having had an ex-uncle who had a psychotic break (bipolar + paranoid schizophrenic + gun = my aunt and cousins are lucky to be alive), I can fully say some people are not worth defending. Your grandma sounds like a wholly unpleasant person and I doubt she's suddenly going to change just because you're especially nice to her. Old people especially are difficult because old habits are hard to break, making old people very set in their ways just from practice. I'd say you can be nice to her when you meet, but unless you really think you can win her over, and it sounds like doing so would be hard, since you've inherited her dislike from your father, minimizing contact is probably the best. You deserve better than to be mistreated and I see no reason personally to be nice to people who aren't nice to me or others. (I mean, if they're nice to me, I can call them out on it and stuff, and if that wrecks the relationship, well, they weren't very nice to start with.)

[Mirai Gen]

To say it in a condensed form, I'm not sure how volatile her reaction would be if you put your foot down and said "Grandma that isn't true and you know it" but standing up is very different from inciting an argument.

I'd go for standing up for yourself - being the better person is just ignoring the chode at work who likes to pressure and mock you openly that you only have to deal with once in a while. A relative is very very different, and you're going to confront them for a long, long time (And there's no manager to turn to) .

I'm not sure about how mean she could get if incited but I really would suggest standing up to her. Cause honestly CJ you're rarely even irate or annoyed here on NPF, I have no reason to think this is just exclusive to your onlineness and someone taking advantage of your niceness to be all horrible is just plain wrong.

[Krylo]

Just cut her off.

Why bother with confrontations? Does she really deserve your time or energy in an argument? Does she really deserve your time or energy in a relationship?

Just... don't see her. Ever.

I've been doing it with my dad for a few years now, and he's not even all that bad compared to how you make your grandma out. It's worked out well for me.

I mean... I get why you'd want to build bridges. You see people with happy relationships with their grandparents on TV, you hear coworkers talking about it, whatever else. I get that. I see the same stuff with father and son shit, but you have to just come to a realization that you're not going to have that kind of relationship with her regardless of what you do, and just move on. Stop trying to make her be a pleasant person. Just cut her out of your life.

[Osterbaum]

I am unsure as to what advice to give you. But what I can say with certainty is that you, nor anyone else, has to put up which such treatment especially when it is uncalled for. You do not have to put up with something like that, and one way or another you should make it stop.

Now, part of me knows it's best to take the high road and be the better person by not fighting back, but on the other hand, I don't want to be a doormat either. I think I'm generally a pretty level-headed and easy-to-get-along-with person and I don't like to pick pointless battles, and I know saying something would just cause more drama and problems, but is it okay to let people get away with everything just because you're the "better person"?

I see some of myself here. Whenever my family argues, I usually stay out of it feeling that one rarely makes these things better by exploding yourself. I even take a lot of shit from people, as long as I feel it is more or less something that I really don't care THAT much about. But there is always a line somewhere, and you shouldn't let anybody walk over you. But you propably already knew that.