Adoption versus biological birth

[CelesJessa]

As a few members of my family are adopted, I’ve always been interested n the topic of adoption. Whenever I talk to people about adoption, almost all of them agree that adoption is really a wonderful thing, and the people who adopt kids are wonderful people (etc etc). However, many of them will also openly admit that while adopting a kid in need is a wonderful thing, they would never consider it for themselves (unless for some reason they couldn’t give birth to their own child and such). When I hear this kind of thing I can’t help but wonder “why?”.

Most of the time, it seems the only time someone will consider adoption is if they can’t have their own natural kids, and that’s usually even a less preferable option to in-vitro fertilization. Men who become sterile due to chemotherapy or other reasons often save their sperm in expensive sperm banks so that someday they can use it to have kids, rather than even consider adopting one of the many children who will otherwise go without a family for the rest of their lives, shuttled between foster homes, or in low-rate third world orphanages.

And before anyone thinks I’m condemning anyone who does this, the weirdest part is when thinking about the future, I find myself often in the category of “I want to have ‘my own’ kids”, and I’ve seen firsthand how an adopted child is just as much a part of your family as a naturally born child. And when I really think about it, I can’t really think of any good reasons why I should prefer giving birth to adoption, while I can think of some good reasons to do adoption instead.

I’ve asked parents of non-adopted children about their opinion on the matter, and they mention how it’s just so cool to see your baby for the first time. To see a little “you” so to speak. But in that case, are our reasons purely selfish? We would rather bring more kids into the world rather than helping those who are really in need just because of a special feeling you get when looking at your infant? Some mentioned that with adopted kids, you don’t really know what kind of kid you’re going to get, but how do you know any more with naturally born children? I mean, yes, I understand that adopted kids that are older have influences on them other than your own, so there’s that, but what about adopted infants? And I’ve seen plenty of naturally born kids grow up to be trouble makers as well.

So I decided to ask you; why are we so obsessed and will go so far to have our own flesh-and-blood children? Would you consider adoption? I thought it would be interesting to get all of your opinions on the matter, especially those who do have kids already.

[Azisien]

My guess? Genetics. I imagine you'd sooner adopt your sister's kid, or cousin's kid, than a stranger's kid.

Same reason why most prefer natural kids. Close genetic relationship. The reaction and joy and bliss of seeing little you? Eons of reward pathways at work.

Would the world be a little better if some of us swore off natural kids and just adopted? Well, it'd be better for all those kids. Even in the richest countries in the world there's hundreds of thousands needing a home. Pretty sad, but biology was never much into fairness.

[bluestarultor]

This is going to sound horrible, but I'm used to sounding horrible. You have to remember that all life on Earth is subject to competition, and all animals on Earth are genetically programmed to want to pass on their own genes. After all, with survival of the fittest, if you aren't dead, you're not unfit, and by extension, your children shouldn't be, either. By that incredibly basic logic, you don't want to be raising someone else's young. That would be aiding your competitor and preventing your own genes from being passed on. There's a psychological aspect where you will simply have more trouble accepting young that is not yours. Look at lions. When a new male takes the lead, he kills all the cubs so he can remake the pride in his own genes. This is incredibly common in the animal world. I believe gorillas do the same thing, and look how much more like us they are.

That's not to say an adopted child can't have a loving home. Just that it takes longer to get attached, where your own kid is, well, yours. From the get-go. It's like the huge issue of a guy finding out a kid isn't his, and he has this huge crisis because the kid is not his, despite the fact he's been living like it were otherwise. Eventually, one hopes the guy gets over himself and realizes that family shouldn't be based on genes, but that doesn't change the fact that in most animals, that's exactly the case.

[Azisien]

Originally Posted by bluestarultor

Look at lions. When a new male takes the lead, he kills all the cubs so he can remake the pride in his own genes. This is incredibly common in the animal world. I believe gorillas do the same thing, and look how much more like us they are.

You know what's even more interesting to watch? Videos of three plus female lions beating the living shit out a male lion as he tries to maul the cubs. After all, the cubs are still related to the females. I prefer to think of it as girl power, though.

[bluestarultor]

Originally Posted by Azisien

You know what's even more interesting to watch? Videos of three plus female lions beating the living shit out a male lion as he tries to maul the cubs. After all, the cubs are still related to the females. I prefer to think of it as girl power, though.

I'm not saying he has an easy job of it. XD

But that's the entire point of the exercise: to remove all ties to the past and have the pride start over.

[CelesJessa]

Originally Posted by bluestarultor

It's like the huge issue of a guy finding out a kid isn't his, and he has this huge crisis because the kid is not his, despite the fact he's been living like it were otherwise. Eventually, one hopes the guy gets over himself and realizes that family shouldn't be based on genes, but that doesn't change the fact that in most animals, that's exactly the case.

Oh yeah, that reminds me of an exercise we did in my sociology class once. The class was basically given the situation where they find out that the baby that they had been caring for over the last year was actually someone else's baby, biologically, and they asked the class what they would do, and I was shocked by the amount of people who would want to give away their child after a year.

And yeah, I understand the rest of your point, as that's what we discussed in sociology at that point, but it just still doesn't sit right with me. I realize that on a basic level, we have those urges and desires, but then I wonder, do we actually use those urges and desires to rationalize why we won't help a child in need? "Oh that's how animals/humans are supposed to act, I can't help it."

[Azisien]

I think the whole point is no, it's not a rationale. That's how most people ARE, that's how they DO act, and it's unconscious. It's fewer and farther between people who say "Oh damn, this kid isn't at least 25% related to me? Okay I'm giving it away immediately! This kid just isn't going to pay dividends three generations from now."

[Mirai Gen]

Originally Posted by CelesJessa

And before anyone thinks I’m condemning anyone who does this, the weirdest part is when thinking about the future, I find myself often in the category of “I want to have ‘my own’ kids”, and I’ve seen firsthand how an adopted child is just as much a part of your family as a naturally born child. And when I really think about it, I can’t really think of any good reasons why I should prefer giving birth to adoption, while I can think of some good reasons to do adoption instead.

I've actually had entire conversations that consisted of trying to pin down exactly why I feel this way, because I'm in the same boat. Every time I think about adopting and how it really is the more rational and logical and beneficial angle, I keep coming back to, "Yeah, but..." and then I kind of float and sputter for a minute.

Someone I talked to once told me that the main reason I thought this way is because, honestly, in the deepest parts of my mind I don't think I'd have the same kind of connection to an adopted child as opposed to the genetically-tied one. What's odd is she felt the same way, too, that despite all the things you have to go through (especially as a woman) and how much better a choice adoption is, she was still 50/50 both ways.

The issue hasn't exactly been resolved for me, as it is a constant struggle internally, but I at least accept my irrational wants and feel that 'the same kind of connection' feels the most accurate thus far.

I realize that on a basic level, we have those urges and desires, but then I wonder, do we actually use those urges and desires to rationalize why we won't help a child in need?

I agree with this too, but I'm actually willing to accept the human-animal comparison as a good excuse since much of what humans and animals share is done with little concern for rationality or logic. Love and sex itself make no logical sense other than 'we do it cause it feels good,' and I get the feeling that biologically tied children are considered in the same way.

[Kim]

To keep species from dying out, Mother Nature makes people are genetically predisposed to want to fornicate and have little copies of themselves running about causing mayhem.

That's why the Sims games are so popular.

[Mirai Gen]

In addition to what Noncon said, I just thought about the fact that if people didn't have a preternatural disposition towards children of our own blood, the adoption thing wouldn't be such a big deal because everyone would do it.